August 2019

Arts Festival News

The Festival for Festival's Sake is well under way, and many people have travelled miles to participate in the biggest showcase of its kind anywhere on the World. Young aspiring actors, comedians and poets, along with many wannabees have spent thousands of pounds of their parents’ fortunes, to spend one month at the event.

Amy Special from Northwoods Upper Holt told Illwell News, “It’s my third time taking a show this year. My parents have told me I’ve got ten tries and if I haven’t made it then I’ll probably have to get a job or write a book”.

A lot of people make money at FFS but, unfortunately, it’s rarely the 'talent' that gets to go home with a tidy profit. When a senior FFS official was asked why the costs of putting on shows was so high, she replied, “We want the right pedigree and if we let lower people in and they happen to be good, it would alter the dynamic of entertainment everywhere. Many of our top entertainers might have to up their game. I mean, look what happened in Tennis with the Williams sisters”.

Graham Grin who studied at Eton and Oxford said, “I’m having a great time because many of my chums are here and we’re staying at the Adoria Hotel together”. His show, ‘People My Dad Knows’ is up for the annual festival award sponsored by the company ‘Inspired Atrophy’.

Other shows that are listed for the award are:

‘I’ve had Work’ - Nicola Burdoin

‘Upside Across’ – Nick Taunt

‘Trump in A Dish’ – Collette Spaniel

‘That Was Just the Teachers’ – Netta and Calis Curtis

‘Rock the Hard Way’ – Justin Badger

There has also been a 'best stolen joke competition' called Nicked Joke which was won by Marlon Cream for his joke:

“My pet feline won a Best Bottom competition, but we mislaid the Winner’s Cup – it was a Cat Ass Trophy!”

The festival continues until August 24th.

Mum Bans MeDangles!

A Bisley Mum has vowed never to return to the fast food chain MeDanlges after her children were refused free meals they had, apparently, won.

The unnamed mother from the Gob End area of the town, wishes to remain anonymous but says her three children, Chloe, Kai and Sonya Gibbons were treated terribly.

The children, aged 13, 11 and 5 went along to their local branch after collecting stickers on a special promotion qualifying them for free meals. When they returned home empty stomached and crying, their Mum, understandably went berserk. “Not only were they refused their free meals but they were spoken to abruptly”, said the lady.

A spokesperson for the chain said, “It was a promotion that falls under the gambling laws, so children have to be accompanied by an adult to collect”.

This shocked the children’s mother and she marched them back to the restaurant single-handedly.

“Why encourage them to buy extra large helpings to get stickers in the first place”, she screamed. “What disgusts me more is manner in which the staff addressed my offspring”, she added thoughtfully.

After confronting staff and getting nowhere, she insisted on talking to the manager. After getting nowhere, she stormed out vowing never to return.

“They couldn’t even understand my point”, she told the Bisley Chronic. “While I was there, I overheard a member of staff saying to school children, ‘if you go large you are more likely to win more free food’ and they didn’t even understand what she meant by 'go large’”.

“They don’t seem to realise that they’re taking the money out of the pockets of children that has been given to the children with money out of our pockets in the first place”.

The angry Mum is now set to boycott every branch of MeDangles, even at the cost of learning how to cook.

The children were said to be more upset than ever, knowing they were never going back for their regular Dangle Burgers and Block O’ Fish.

MeDangles is now undergoing an investigation for encouraging youth gambling.

Related story February 2019