December 2018 - News

New Stand-Up Comedy Night to open in Bisley after being declined by Illwell Venue!

Comedy promoter Liam Frackle had his plans for a new Illwell Comedy Club thwarted by the venue and has now opted to take his business to Bisley. It is understood that The Blue Moon on Christmas Street was interested in putting on a stand-up comedy night but felt that Frackle’s approach left something to be desired.

A spokesperson for the pub, known locally as The Moon, said, “The stand-up comedy that was floated to us was of a style that’s not much higher than the bar room chat we get for free. We looked into some of the names on Frackle’s books and were disappointed in the level which is, no doubt, pleasing to ‘party comedy’ punters and ‘hen’ and ‘stag’ events but offers little to seasoned comedy goer. This kind of thing is much more suited to Bisley”.

Frackle’s chain of clubs has often come under fire for what’s been described as ‘bang them over the head’ comedy by a local critic. “The trend to lower the comedy bar to make it easier for people to get into the art is a disaster for stand-up in general”, she said. “So called ‘Comedians’ deliver the most basic of stuff – lines that anybody could make up – and pass it off as an ‘act’. Either that or they steal the material. Then they often shout it at you, into the bargain”.

‘Banters’ opens in Bisley next month.

Featherweights Pub Row Escalates! 

A row has erupted over disruptive children in Pubs. A man complained to the Christmas Street branch of the Pub chain Featherweights about a woman who 'couldn't appear to control her child'. “People were trying to have a nice quiet breakfast”, he said. “The woman didn't seem to consider this and, in the end, I left without even having a third pint.”

Others describe the scene as 'normal' but one diner accused the woman of deliberately ignoring her child so that the young boy would seek attention by disrupting others. “It's quite clear the mother wanted to attract conflict in order to become a victim. To be honest, the kid was fine when I shouted at him to stop kung-fu kicking my Labrador. I think 'she' was the problem. She obviously wasn't from Illwell either”.

Some patrons did come to the defence of the 'unnamed' lady and a row broke out on Spluttr. Here's a slice:

Comment by AnonBo:
“What's she supposed to do? Leave her kid at home when she's down the Pub?”

Comment by Giz:
“She was doing everything she could and seemed to be on her phone looking for answers all the time she was there!”

Comment by Sezzu:
“Where was the Father?”
                    Reply to Sezzu by Mont:
                    “Well, he wasn't with the Son so maybe he was with The       Holy Ghost!”
“What they need in Featherweights is a a ball pit and some toys and, also, something for the kids!”

Featherweights have declined to comment on the incident specifically but say they are constantly retraining their staff. Eventually, the woman revealed her own identity as Lucy Andrews by taking Spluttr. She defended herself by stating, “My son has behavioural difficulties which was why I was in the Pub so early”. Lucy is the girlfriend of Bisley United defender Wayne Coddle.

Weather warning is ‘threat to sanity’!

Sly News has issued a severe weather warning for the area, which includes Illwell Town, predicting Killer Snow and Psychopathic Winds throughout November.

In a special bulletin on the Bisley channel, weather experts forecast gale force drizzle and a tide of more fantastic predictions.

“We don’t know quite what to expect but it’ll be bad, that’s for sure”, said an expert on the Sly News pay role.

Illwell Town may face the worst of what’s to come and homeowners have been told to be prepared. “According to Sly News and Weather”, said a meteorologist from Illwell. “We’re going to experience the worst storms since records were abolished”.

But it’s not all bad. “We could see bright weather one minute and blizzard rain the next. We could even have a situation where one side of the street is bathed in sunshine and the other three feet deep in snow, apparently”, another reporter added.

The Bisley Times dedicated their entire front page to the looming crisis and it’s thought that one person has already died from reading the article.

Illwell News affirms that it’s “quite clear there will be weather throughout November and probably of varying kinds”.

The advice to people in the town is to ‘keep your coat handy’.

Crop's Circle finally makes it to the stage!
After a couple of years in the planning Crop's circle arrives on stage at Wigston's tap & Barrel pub in Leicestershire. The idea based on 'Songwriter's Circle' brings acts of various disciplines to the 'live' stage for performance, questions and discussion. Cropston Fairweather will be host to three guests in the first show on Sunday 2nd December.
Joining Crop are Rob Gee (Poet/Actor/Comedian and more), the one-liner King, Tony Cowards and Singer-songwriter Rosie Palmer.
The show will be recorded for a podcast, details of which will appear here first. It is not known whether Cropston will be performing his newest song The Maasai Mara in which he attempts a verse in Swahili.

Craft Fair bans traders selling 'kit cards'!

The Illwell Craft Fair organisers have taken the controversial action of banning 'Kit Card' traders from the annual Christmas Craft Fair at Illwell Hall. Leena Selvey, who started the fair back in 2010, was scathing in her dismissal of crafters who pedal the greetings cards. “It's hardly a craft!” she said. “It's just sticking bits on to pre-folded card from packs you can get on the internet. They even suggest where you stick the bits. Imagine what's it's like for a true artist who actually paints or draws original images when some 'Kit Card Johnny' rocks up on the table next to them!”

Lorna Humphrey defended the art of card making, saying, “We spend a lot of time exacting our techniques to ensure all the cards have an individual flourish. It's 'precision' that we're selling and that is as good as anything else. You ask Picasso. He was very precise!"

The argument looks to continue with neither side backing down. Selvey has said that the decision is final and she has the backing of the majority of Crafters who attend the fair. Humphrey is planning a demonstration outside this year's event.

It was put to Selvey that part of the art was making the card look like it wasn't  made from a kit. Selvey replied, "Why don't they do that then?"

The Craft fair is no stranger to controversy. Back in 2013 there was a similar furore when there was talk of preventing Cross-Stitchers from attending as many works followed a 'pattern'. In the end a compromise was reached and 'free-form cross-stitchers' were allowed to continue trading.