January 2019 - News

Another Tree Goes Missing!

A young tree has been stolen from the front garden of a house in Jenny lane and people fear it could be the work of the infamous tree-worshipping cult that plagued the town back in the early part of the century. A gardener who was brought in by the forensic team said, “This has all the signs of the cult being involved. These people knew what they were doing. The tree wasn’t simply ripped out of the ground. A huge hole has been dug so as not damage any of the roots”.

It’s been a nearly ten years since Illwell News exposed the Cult of The Sacred Tree – a secret, underground group accused of brainwashing people into believing that all power on Earth was delivered on to us from a certain type of tree, normally a sapling.

Although not recognised as a religion, they claim their belief system is as valid as any of the majors and would try to recruit throughout the area. There is some argument surrounding what facets the tree must possess but it’s thought any young tree that fits the bill, according to any particular follower, is fair game and might well be stolen.

The latest tree theft is worrying, and residents fear a return to the days when they had to fit alarms to their trunks. The local garden centre has reintroduced tagging in their tree department. The manager said, “I remember when it happened before, and we had about four trees go missing as we kept them in an outside enclosure. We’re on our guard this time but it’s sad that people feel the need to steal them. It’s not like they’re expensive”.

Ex-leader of the cult, Ronnie Glide, commented, “Some of the newer members of CTSC are quite zealous and feel the need to steal trees that are situated in the controversial settings of a well kept garden of an infidel”.

Illwell is a secular haven and has no religious buildings.

Blue Whale sighting in Bisley Lake!

What a Blue Whale in Bisley Lake could look like - a giant man with nasal problems.

Unconfirmed sightings of a Blue Whale in Bisley Lake have emerged. Two complete and utterly different people have been said to have seen the huge mammal bobbing about in the water.

A spokesperson from The Council of Illwell said, "The logical explanation is that they are both a bit 'mad' but some people believe that there could be some truth to the mystery".

A lake security official explained to us that the lake was incredibly deep and although it was doubtfully a Blue Whale it could be something else that has grown to an enormous size over the years, undetected.

Illwell News understands there are no plans for either Bisley or Illwell Councils to investigate the sightings as there is no clear photographic evidence.