July 2019 - News

Easy peel avocado reaches Illwell!
For years now, idiots have had to risk serious injury, as well as ‘green stuff’ on their precious fingers, just to sample the delights of tasty avocado fruit. Now, those days are gone with an easy peel version modified especially.

 One quick slice through the reptilian outer crust and you’re in to the lush green inner sanctum, and the skin then peels away like a ring pull lid on a can of soup.

 “It’s about time”, said an avocado buyer outside a supermarket in Christmas Street. “I’ve only got two fingers remaining on my left hand because of past accidents, although one of them was because of a banana”.

 “This will actually save lives and that’s what matters”, said another nutter.

 An avocado expert spoke to Illwell News and said, “We still have a long way to go to reach the standards of, say, a satsuma but who wants that on your toast”.

 Many traditionalists are upset that fruit is going this way. One remarked, “I think it’s an absolute waste of time trying to make peeling fruit easier just because people are lazy and ridiculous. There are far more important issues that should be addressed, like making those silver ‘watch’ battery packs better so you didn’t need half a day in the tool shed to get the thing out. And what about milk?”

 Illwell Hospital staff were breathing a sigh of relief however. A nurse we spoke to, who didn’t want to give her name for fear of reprisals, said, “It’s only just come on to the market but already today we’ve seen a drop in Avocado related cases”.

 When asked, “Are these new style Avocados genetically modified?” an Avocado Producer replied, “No. They’re just ‘modified".

Above: Even a fat baby could probably get into the new Avocado without making a mess!

Bisley Town Mayor plans a cycle path toll.

 The Mayor of Bisley Town, Terrence Strap, has suggested that a ‘toll’ be introduced on the Bisley Lake cycle route that navigates around the edge of the lake closest to the town. The toll would mean that cyclists could no longer complete a complete circuit around the whole route without paying.

 In a ‘splat’, Strap said, “We want people to invest in the town and add value to the community. “It’s a little unfair that cyclists can just ride along the Bisley Waterside for free”.

 The plan is believed to involve the building of an electric fence and a gate patrolled by Sentries that forces riders through the payment point if they want to continue to ride. There would be a toll at each end of the Bisley stretch to trap people going the wrong way around the lake.

 A spokesperson for Illwell Town Council said, “This is typical of Strap, trying to extract money from innocent cyclists. One thing is for sure, Illwell will have no such toll introduced”.

 The path that winds around the lake is well used by cyclists of all levels. It undulates and weaves about, occasionally touching the shoreline and has several picnic spots. The longest route is nearly 21 miles in length. It was completed in 2004 from an old existing path that was there before.

 Strap received a tirade of abuse on Splattr after his first ‘splat’ but added, undeterred, “It wouldn’t be so bad if people stopped to shop or buy an ice cream but all they want to do is race through and not give the town a second thought”.

 Recently, Strap banned the Illwell Town ice cream vendor Tony Cokey from parking up at the Bisley shore as it hit sales of The Bisley Whip. Cokey, who sells the less synthetic Illwell Scoop said, at the time, “He’s just anti-Illwell”.

This latest move will no doubt cause another diplomatic row between the two towns.

A cycle path not dissimilar to The Bisley Lake one.