May 2019 - News

Activists storm local shop.

Activists have stormed a local shop in a high class are of Bisley Town in protest against animal prints. The group calling themselves ‘Soldiers Protesting Openly Injurious Lowbred Traditions’ are said to be out-raged by the continued and obsessive ‘animal appropriation’ within the fashion industry.

Robert Junior III, son of a local multi-millionaire Robert Junior Junior and self-elected leader of SPOILT, said, “People have to realise that this is 2019 and we should have evolved. It doesn’t matter if the industry isn’t using fur or animal products. Imitating an animal in any way, be it a ‘soft resemblance’ or a hard one, is the same as cultural appropriation among humans. It’s the same as racism”.

The group stood outside the shop on Saturday waving banners and handing out leaflets made of paper before the assembled in the Dog and Duck for drinks. The banners read, “Down with the Pantomime Horse”, “Tiger Woods, change your name or be ashamed” and “Don’t cross on a Zebra, you’ll make a Zebra cross”.

The group also stand against ‘image appropriation’ and object to people who dye their hair and have vanity body modifications. Robert Junior III was recently criticised ‘armed forces appropriation’ for wearing camouflaged trousers and subsequently walks around in a modified synthetic blanket.

The shop, at the centre of the storm didn’t want to be named but when asked if the daughter of the owner was involved in the protest, Illwell News was told “Yes”.

Exam ends early due to altercation!

An exam at Illwell School for Boys and Girls was brought to an abrupt halt yesterday when a fight broke out between two invigilators. The fracas sent students scattering 75 minutes into their two-hour exam on The Causes of Conflict and the exam was postponed.

Rumours have been circulating that tensions have been rising between ‘power mad’ invigilators who are employed by the school. A witness said, “One middle-aged man scooted across desk-tops to confront a younger invigilator who was collecting a completed exam paper. The older man accused the younger of ‘working his patch’”.

Invigilators are employed by an outside agency to guarantee neutrality and are there to ensure the exams are run efficiently. “During May,” said a spokesperson, “there are many Invigilators of all experiences coming together and it’s hard to guarantee sensibility. Generally, they all get on and even have an ‘end of exam season’ party where they do line-dancing to country music”.

Our ‘insider’ at Illwell School for Boys and Girls has uncovered a record number of reports of complaints against invigilators from students this year alone, in the last few weeks, yesterday. One, sixteen-year-old, unidentified student, is said to have complained that, “A, very rude, Invigilator was talking to me like I was a child”.

Another Invigilator, completely disassociated with the incident, said, “It’s a very stressful job! Sometimes, you have to do nothing for ages”.

Both men have been suspended until an investigation has been completed.