April 2019

Illwell Talent Competition

It's approaching that time of year when Illwell begins searching for the next big talent to emerge from it's town. So far, heat one is full to the brim with six promising acts, promising acts.

Last year's competition was won by Fiona Lambert who sand Down by the Shore in The Bay as a tribute to her dad who once lived there but now has moved to Bisley. She won £62 and a chance to perform at The Cherry Tree Rest Home that, actually, didn't come to anything. However, she wowed the judges and received those memorable comments from main judge Stephen Cornwall, "You know what? That's the best rendition of that song, I think, we've ever seen on this stage. It's great to see such a well-grounded talent. You just need to change your name".

Fiona was in deed 'well-grounded' and was, until the win, working as an electrician for Gomby Products. She now goes by the name of Fifi Lambrussco and she is looking to go into the studio one day.

This years, event hopes to showcase more extra-ordinary talent and organisers have said that if they can fill Heat 2 they may well have two semi-finals and a final, rather than just one final.

The judges remain the same as last year so, along with Cornwall, it's Tracey Dim, Katrina 'Nail-Bar' Bowen and Mark Walkinson.

March 2019

Crop's Circle latest!

The second Crop's Circle podcast is now available on the 'Crop's Circle' page. It was recorded on February 24th during The Leicester Comedy Festival and features Cropston Fairweather and Rosie Palmer with guest comedians Rob Coleman (World Record Holder) and Craig Deeley, performing and chatting.
Watch out for the song 'If We Had an Island' which was written during the interval by all the cast.

February 2019

Activists storm local shop.

Activists have stormed a local shop in a high class are of Bisley Town in protest against animal prints. The group calling themselves ‘Soldiers Protesting Openly Injurious Lowbred Traditions’ are said to be out-raged by the continued and obsessive ‘animal appropriation’ within the fashion industry.

Robert Junior III, son of a local multi-millionaire Robert Junior Junior and self-elected leader of SPOILT, said, “People have to realise that this is 2019 and we should have evolved. It doesn’t matter if the industry isn’t using fur or animal products. Imitating an animal in any way, be it a ‘soft resemblance’ or a hard one, is the same as cultural appropriation among humans. It’s the same as racism”.

The group stood outside the shop on Saturday waving banners and handing out leaflets made of paper before the assembled in the Dog and Duck for drinks. The banners read, “Down with the Pantomime Horse”, “Tiger Woods, change your name or be ashamed” and “Don’t cross on a Zebra, you’ll make a Zebra cross”.

The group also stand against ‘image appropriation’ and object to people who dye their hair and have vanity body modifications. Robert Junior III was recently criticised ‘armed forces appropriation’ for wearing camouflaged trousers and subsequently walks around in a modified synthetic blanket.

The shop, at the centre of the storm didn’t want to be named but when asked if the daughter of the owner was involved in the protest, Illwell News was told “Yes”.

January 2019

Another Tree Goes Missing!

A young tree has been stolen from the front garden of a house in Jenny lane and people fear it could be the work of the infamous tree-worshipping cult that plagued the town back in the early part of the century. A gardener who was brought in by the forensic team said, “This has all the signs of the cult being involved. These people knew what they were doing. The tree wasn’t simply ripped out of the ground. A huge hole has been dug so as not damage any of the roots”.

It’s been a nearly ten years since Illwell News exposed the Cult of The Sacred Tree – a secret, underground group accused of brainwashing people into believing that all power on Earth was delivered on to us from a certain type of tree, normally a sapling.

Although not recognised as a religion, they claim their belief system is as valid as any of the majors and would try to recruit throughout the area. There is some argument surrounding what facets the tree must possess but it’s thought any young tree that fits the bill, according to any particular follower, is fair game and might well be stolen.

The latest tree theft is worrying, and residents fear a return to the days when they had to fit alarms to their trunks. The local garden centre has reintroduced tagging in their tree department. The manager said, “I remember when it happened before, and we had about four trees go missing as we kept them in an outside enclosure. We’re on our guard this time but it’s sad that people feel the need to steal them. It’s not like they’re expensive”.

Ex-leader of the cult, Ronnie Glide, commented, “Some of the newer members of CTSC are quite zealous and feel the need to steal trees that are situated in the controversial settings of a well kept garden of an infidel”.

Illwell is a secular haven and has no religious buildings.

December 2018

University moves to ban talking

Bisley University is in talks with their Student Union with a view to banning ‘talking’. If the talks result in an outright ban it will bring an end to future talks.

It comes after some students - who didn’t want to named - complained of over-hearing an offensive conversation while their were in a communal area.

The accused group were apparently conducting a light-hearted chit-chat about an undisclosed subject and the complaint centres around their jovial demeanour as much as the content. This offended people nearby who were conducting a serious conversation about what next they could ban and they were constant interrupted by spontaneous out-brakes of laughter and ostentatious grinning.

The students who didn’t want to be named have since come under attack from a group offended by the ‘not naming’ of people who don’t want to be named.

Crop's Circle Podcast is now online from Cropston's page.
Yesterday afternoon, Cropston Fairweather hosted a 'live' recording for a podcast with guests Rob Gee, Rosie Palmer and Tony Cowards and the first half (in two parts) is now available.
The sessions was recorded on at The Tap & Barrel in Wigston, Leicestershire.

Crop's Circle finally makes it to the stage!
After a couple of years in the planning Crop's circle arrives on stage at Wigston's tap & Barrel pub in Leicestershire. The idea based on 'Songwriter's Circle' brings acts of various disciplines to the 'live' stage for performance, questions and discussion. Cropston Fairweather will be host to three guests in the first show on Sunday 2nd December.

Joining Crop are Rob Gee (Poet/Actor/Comedian and more), the one-liner King, Tony Cowards and Singer-songwriter Rosie Palmer.
The show will be recorded for a podcast, details of which will appear here first. It is not known whether Cropston will be performing his newest song The Maasai Mara in which he attempts a verse in Swahili.

Illwell stands by it’s name

After coming under fire for merging the to villages in the first place, Illwell Town has again courted scrutiny from a group concerned about the connotations of the town name.

The pressure group Dispense with Indirect Meanings Organisation (DIM) has written to the Council of Illwell asking they consider renaming the town to one with less negative implications. It’s understood they are asking for the ‘Ill’ part to be removed as it might upset poorly people.

The council will be obliged to agenda the objection at their next monthly AGM, but they are not likely to budge.

A spokesperson for Illwell said, “Illwell is actually very positive because the ‘well’ bit comes last and the implication, if any, is that things are improving. I would have a lot more sympathy with this fringe group if the name of our town was Wellill”.

The original villages were called Wellgood and Illstone, but due to extensive house building, the land between the two diminished away and a decision was made to merge the two and combine the names in the most imaginative way.

There was some local opposition to the merger at the time and a few stalwarts still campaign to this day on both sides. There are clear signs of the past in some of the names that haven’t changed such as, the pub, The Wellgood Head and Illstone Paper and Scissors Stationery Company. Other names were changed along with the town name back in the 70’s. Illstone Hall became Illwell Hall and the hospital was renamed Illwell Hospital.

It is generally considered a myth that the name of Illwell refers back to old times when people became ill from drinking water from the local well. The Illwell Well is still visible today at the foot of Illwell Hill and is considered lucky if you throw money in it.

New Website for flawed political opinions!

A new website is about to be launched to help ease the ‘lynch mob’ mentality afflicting so many social media sites. “Existing sites, such as Splattr are ‘weighed down’ by ridiculous and flawed political opinion from blinkered and self-righteous idiots”, said a spokesman for the new domain “We can cater for such people and free other social media sites from the mobs so normal people can interact intelligently. We see it as a public service”. appears to offer a haven for those who project their opinions using broad ‘sweeping and stereo-typical’ statements that demonise anyone with an opposite point of view. It’s been described as the ‘place to go’ for faux intellectuals.

Miriam Tucker of the charity, ‘Let’s Not Be Hasty’ said, “It’s all very well, having a sanctuary for people who feel the need to ‘group up’ and bully but I think it’s better that these people are in ‘plain sight’ on existing sites so that we can avoid them in real life”.

The new site is believed to be encouraging the use of capital letters and is said to have ‘chat rooms’ where people can shout at each other (shout rooms) and special forums in which people can threaten others - using pseudonyms to protect themselves.

An internet expert told Illwell News, “We’re only just beginning to find out the true capabilities of the world wide web. It’s very exciting”.

‘Nail’ Under Threat?

Illwell’s oldest and longest running manufacturer of nails is under threat of closure and has already made some redundancies. Nail have widened their production to include screws and industrial staples in the last few years but have not managed to recover from losses due to increased internet competition.

“It’s a shame that it has come to this”, said a former employee Barry Shevill, who didn’t want to be named. “It was a sad day when they started to produce screws and staples because they were great at nails and should have concentrated on that alone, according to me”, he continued.

Many believed they are the best nail manufacturers in the world but the future doesn’t look good for the company that started as a family business in the 50’s.

Production Line Manager Richard Grant said, “For 20 years I’ve been with Nail and I will be sad if the firm folds”.

Illwell News understands there will be yet another ‘staff dump’ early next year, in a bid to put off the end.

A receptionist told us that trade had definitely dropped off and most of her time was spent fending off requests for pedicure appointments and such.

Weather warning is ‘threat to sanity’!

Sly News has issued a severe weather warning for the area, which includes Illwell Town, predicting Killer Snow and Psychopathic Winds throughout November.

In a special bulletin on the Bisley channel, weather experts forecast gale force drizzle and a tide of more fantastic predictions.

“We don’t know quite what to expect but it’ll be bad, that’s for sure”, said an expert on the Sly News pay role.

Illwell Town may face the worst of what’s to come and homeowners have been told to be prepared. “According to Sly News and Weather”, said a meteorologist from Illwell. “We’re going to experience the worst storms since records were abolished”.

But it’s not all bad. “We could see bright weather one minute and blizzard rain the next. We could even have a situation where one side of the street is bathed in sunshine and the other three feet deep in snow, apparently”, another reporter added.

The Bisley Times dedicated their entire front page to the looming crisis and it’s thought that one person has already died from reading the article.

Illwell News affirms that it’s “quite clear there will be weather throughout November and probably of varying kinds”.

The advice to people in the town is to ‘keep your coat handy’.

November 2018

Stand-up and Wear The T-Shirt at Sticklers Comedy Clubs

Chain comedy club designs uniform for stand-up performers.

Sticklers Comedy Director Mary Lin Fields has introduced a new criteria for acts who perform at her chain of comedy clubs. From the beginning of the new year they will all be asked to don company t-shirts or jackets whilst on stage.

In an Interview with Sly News she said, “It’s important that we are proud of the image of the company and this idea just stuck out as being brilliant for everybody. We video our shows and they’ll now look so professional with everybody looking the same”.

She waved away criticism that corporate image was the last thing a comedian would want to attach themselves to by insisting a lot of the comics are on board. “A comedian should be 10% comedian and 90% business like off stage but when on stage they should be 90% comedian and 10% business like. This is the 10%! Lovely jackets”.

She further insisted that stand-up comedy should be no different from any other business and that there was a choice between jackets and t-shirts for each comedian so they could retain some of their own stand-up individuality.

When Illwell news asked locally born comedian Alan Kind for a comment he said, “She’s an idiot”.

The t-shirts will have a large Sticklers logo on the front but we're not certain how they'll ruin the jackets.

What a Blue Whale in Bisley Lake could look like - a giant man with nasal problems.

Blue Whale sighting in Bisley Lake!

Unconfirmed sightings of a Blue Whale in Bisley Lake have emerged. Two complete and utterly different people have been said to have seen the huge mammal bobbing about in the water.

A spokesperson from The Coucil of Illwell said, "The logical explanation is that they are both a bit 'mad' but some people believe that there could be some truth to the mystery".

A lake security official explained to us that the lake was incredibly deep and although it was doubtfully a Blue Whale it could be something else that has grown to an enormous size over the years, undetected.

Illwell News understands there are no plans for either Bisley or Illwell Councils to investigate the sightings as there is no clear photographic evidence.

Illwell Town Mug raises £50 for charity a stand-up comedy auction!!

A comedy night hosted by Cropston Fairweather raised a total of £184 at and end of gig auction with a rare Illwell Town mug fetching a huge £50. Other items included a huge cinema foyer display of Marvin the Paranoid Android from the film version Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, a number of DVD collections and some cheese knives. The bidder is said to be a private collector of mugs and wishes to remain anonymous.

Strides Charity (Leicester) will receive the full £184.
The comedy night was held at The Tap & Barrel in Wigston Magna, Leicestershire and feature stand-ups, Pete Phillipson, Sarah Johnson, Matt Hollins and Jinder Singh. The next one will be on November 18th at 6pm. It's not certain whether there will be another auction.

Couple to split after ‘Kiss Me Quick’ reality show ‘drunken dance’.

 A contestant on the Bisley TV channel’s ‘Kiss Me Quick’ kissing competition has been caught dancing with his kissing partner.

 The couple who wowed the judges with their ‘park bench’ snog challenge last week were photographed having a cheeky dance after a night out. Minor celebrity Tomm Bonner tried to defend himself by claiming it was just a ‘late night drunken wiggle’ but witnesses – of which there were many – seemed to think otherwise.

 “It was fairly obvious that both of them were enjoying the dance and they didn’t seem to care who was watching”, said one late night reveler who was prepared to hand over phone footage for money.

 The producers of the early evening show are said to be furious that they couldn’t control the wayward pair off screen as well as on, and have promised to take revenge.

 The couple who have both taken to Splattr to apologise are in long term relationships that are now said to be under threat.

 Bonner’s girlfriend wrote in a Splatt, “Tomm and me are finished but our careers will go from strength to strength”.

 Splattr comments:

 GrewSome2: “Yeah, it’s easy to say it’s just a moment of madness but we all known that a seemingly one-off drunken waltz can lead to a foxtrot and all sorts”

 SicVic: “It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour. Showbiz should be ashamed. There are kids watching”.

 C-All: “I saw this coming. You could tell by the way they kissed that there was something in the air”

Busy People Told To ‘Stop Looking Busy’!

 ‘Busy’ people have come under attack for ‘acting busy’ according to Sly News. The agenda driven news channel that broadcasts from Bisley Town has reported that people who are ‘less busy’ are made to feel like ‘second class citizens’ by those walking around in suits looking like they have a lot to do and it’s offensive.

 Features of the ‘busy looking person’ include ‘walking fast with your arms slightly out as if you’re about to tackle someone’, ‘talking louder than needed on a mobile phone on a train’ and ‘walking along holding your ear as if your listening to something urgent through an ear-piece’.

 A spokesperson for the Independent Department for Living Effortlessly (IDLE) was said to have said, “We have nothing against people being busy but it’s the added ostentation of ‘looking busy’ that’s the problem. They seem to want to prove to everyone else that they’re busier and somehow more important which is, often, not the case but sometimes is. Surely, truly busy people wouldn’t have the time to ‘show off’”.

 When Illwell News called the IDLE landline they didn’t pick up the phone.

 It’s widely understood that there are some who feel greatly intimidated by the actions of busy individuals.

 We managed to find a worker in Christmas Street who defended the allegations, saying, “I think there are as many people offended by those showing off about how little they do. I saw a man on the bus the other day doing a crossword puzzle as if he’d got all the time in the world”.

 The organisation ‘We’ll Soon Sell Houses On Mars’, founded to drive the economy forward criticised IDLE for promoting laziness. “Business is busy and these good for nothing loafers want to bring down progress and create a nicer world. Well you can’t have both”, said Margaret, a leading politician in charge of the group.

 Illwell News is looking more deeply into the problem in a special programme to be aired whenever.

Illwell Town shows at The Leicester Comedy Festival!

Illwell is presenting four shows at The Leicester Comedy Festival in February next year. All the shows will happen at The tap And Barrel in Wigston Magna on each Sunday of the event.

Cropston Fairweather will serenade audiences through a bill of comedians on Sundays 10th, 17th and 24th with shows starting at 6pm.

On the 24th there will be an earlier show 'Crop's Circle' presented by Cropston and featuring guests in discussion and performance for a podcast recording.

Tickets are available from the venue The Tap and Barrel and will become available via the festival website in due course.

October 2018

Man told to take down his fake speed camera! 

The Bisley Town Council have asked a man to dismantle his fake speed camera for fear of slowing traffic. “It’s not up to the public to try to control the speed of vehicles and this construction could cause distraction and crashes”, said a spokesperson for Roads of England.  

When confronted with the question ‘Why are real speed cameras not a distraction?’ he replied, “Because they’re real”. 

Don Preston, who lives on the main road out of Bisley, monitors the speed of travellers constantly and says that 90% of motorists fail to keep inside the 50mph limit. It prompted him to build a very realistic looking set of cameras pointing towards the oncoming traffic. 

“I’m working on a system that ‘flashes’ at night, making drivers think they’ve been caught”, said Don who was fined last year for possession of a ‘tyre spike strip’. 

The 52 year old father of three claimed his age and parental status were not relevant and vowed to keep the camera in place despite being asked by the Council of Bisley to remove it. 

Local drivers had mixed views: 

“I’d rather be not caught by a fake camera than to be caught by a real one”, said the owner of a 3 Wheel Drive Hatchback. Another commuter said, “I realise the desire for people to take things into their own hands but what next? Frankenstein?” 

Neighbours rallied around to defend Mr. Preston saying that the camera was no more a distraction than a roadside advert, a ‘speed kills’ sign or a trotting fox. 

The camera is no longer there after Mr. Preston was asked to remove it.

A cycle path not dissimilar to The Bisley Lake one.

Bisley Town Mayor plans a cycle path toll.

 The Mayor of Bisley Town, Terrence Strap, has suggested that a ‘toll’ be introduced on the Bisley Lake cycle route that navigates around the edge of the lake closest to the town. The toll would mean that cyclists could no longer complete a complete circuit around the whole route without paying.

 In a ‘splat’, Strap said, “We want people to invest in the town and add value to the community. “It’s a little unfair that cyclists can just ride along the Bisley Waterside for free”.

 The plan is believed to involve the building of an electric fence and a gate patrolled by Sentries that forces riders through the payment point if they want to continue to ride. There would be a toll at each end of the Bisley stretch to trap people going the wrong way around the lake.

 A spokesperson for Illwell Town Council said, “This is typical of Strap, trying to extract money from innocent cyclists. One thing is for sure, Illwell will have no such toll introduced”.

 The path that winds around the lake is well used by cyclists of all levels. It undulates and weaves about, occasionally touching the shoreline and has several picnic spots. The longest route is nearly 21 miles in length. It was completed in 2004 from an old existing path that was there before.

 Strap received a tirade of abuse on Splattr after his first ‘splat’ but added, undeterred, “It wouldn’t be so bad if people stopped to shop or buy an ice cream but all they want to do is race through and not give the town a second thought”.

 Recently, Strap banned the Illwell Town ice cream vendor Tony Cokey from parking up at the Bisley shore as it hit sales of The Bisley Whip. Cokey, who sells the less synthetic Illwell Scoop said, at the time, “He’s just anti-Illwell”.

This latest move will no doubt cause another diplomatic row between the two towns.

The Illwell Book Prize

 Fury erupted at a Town Hall meeting over the suggestion that the annual Illwell Book Prize be opened up to include writers from Bisley Town. The competition has been a closed shop for 45 years to writers from Illwell Town and, previously, Wellgood and Illstone back when it was named the W.I. Book Award.

 Illwell has been the home of many good local writers down the years and last years winner Cedric Conners who won with his 2nd novel 'Circle of Tuna' was speaking out in favour of opening up the contest. “I would welcome more writers from a wider geographic to be allowed in”, he said. “There's no good reason to restrict it to such a small pool of talent and we should welcome Bisley Town writers into the dip”. When it was suggested that he was 'only saying that because he'd now won the prize' he replied “Partly”.

 A spokesman for the Illwell Book and Pamphlet Society said, “Letting Bisley writers in wouldn't necessarily mean they had a better chance of winning it”. But the majority seemed to be totally against change.

 Among this years four shortlisted books are, 'Do You Want To Come Camping' by Sean Harriot, 'The Cruel Winter' by Maddy Davis and 'Christmas Street Saga' by Eloney Jamus.

Love at First Flight - Couple who met on plane to wed!

Two strangers who were accidentally seated next to each other on a flight, are to marry next year after falling in love.

“I know people will think we’re crazy after such a short flight, but neither of us were desperate – honest”.

Mark and Elaine were surprisingly sat next to each other on the flight to Ibiza. Mark joked, “It’s funny ain’t it. You spend all that time online scouring dating sites then, just by chance, you meet the woman of your dreams and fall in love in the first 8 seconds. It’s bonkers!” Elaine admits to falling for Mark quickly too but after about 8 Proseccos.

 Spluttr went nuts over the romantic story:

 “It’s just amazing. You never know what’s around the corner!”

 “It’s so good to hear some good news for a change”.

“Elaine’s a nice name”.

 The airline have now tabled plans for a ‘singles’ flight service to and from lonely places for those in search of love.

 The happy couple plan to marry next year and believe their relationship will be long and lasting. “If it’s not”, said Elaine, “I’m sure we’ll be able to split up as quickly”.

We have the edge on nature, says Bisley Surgeon! 

The controversial plastic surgeon, Robert Futility, has released a book condemning nature. In his ‘Humans Know Better’ book, he describes natural processes as ‘obsessive and fundamentally negative’.

“The thing is”, he says in his book, “Nature has been around too long and gotten set in its ways about beauty and looks and how things should be. It doesn’t want to accept new ideas”. 

Chantelle Plaztique (a model from Lincoln) claims that she has ‘the ups on nature’ by revealing her latest breast surgery. “Why ain’t it you able to enhance yourself wit boob sacks”, said Chantelle who boasts a massive chest.

Bum lifts, lip bloats, tummy sucks, thigh suction are just some of the things people are getting to look more natural than their natural selves.

Casey Fondleman from the TV programme ‘Cutewords’ admitted to having enhancements to make her look like she’d had enhancements. “I had two from the bottom and four from the top”, she gleefully expressed as she toppled out of a boutique in Bisley.

“We have to hide what we’re really like, else men wouldn’t fancy us, don’t it”, said a woman who recently appeared on the reality TV show ‘Thick Town’. “So what if we ain’t what we should be. At least we ain’t robots, at least, ain’t, ain’t, ain’t ...” 

Futility’s book realises that for a long time nature has been blamed for making women, in particular, feel the need to cover the hideousness of reality. It’s available from all good book stores and some bad ones.

Spluttr has exploded like you wouldn’t believe:

“People should accept me for who I’m not”, said Peepy Quervis, a resident of Brighton.

“I have changed my appearance completely and, now, friends don’t know who I am! They’ve reported me ‘missing’”, said William Hunt of No Fixed Abode.

Robert Futility was unavailable for ‘no fee’.

There are up sides to cosmetic surgery. Beautiful lips.

September 2018

Ban ‘We need to make sure this never happens again’ Campaign!

 Illwell Town News backs calls to have the phrase ‘We need to make sure this never happens again’ from the language – because it always does.

 It’s the politician’s favourite line and they trot it out constantly to reassure the public that everything’s being sorted out – when it isn’t.

 We back the suggestion that it should be replaced with, ‘It will happen again because we’ll take our eye off the ball sooner or later’.

 The phrase is issued in different forms but generally preceded by the words, ‘We are going to have an inquiry to...’.

 A spokesman for ‘Common Sense Against Daft’ said, “No matter how many times bad things happen, nothing stops them happening again. Lorries will tailgate and kill, people will stab, fires will burn, ship will sink and planes will crash. You can’t stop stupidity either”.

 A politician we spoke to, who wishes to remain ‘a politician’, said, “I understand the frustration of hearing this all the time and I will try my best to make sure I don’t say it again”.

Easy peel avocado reaches Illwell!

 For years now, idiots have had to risk serious injury, as well as ‘green stuff’ on their precious fingers, just to sample the delights of tasty avocado fruit. Now, those days are gone with an easy peel version modified especially.

 One quick slice through the reptilian outer crust and you’re in to the lush green inner sanctum, and the skin then peels away like a ring pull lid on a can of soup.

 “It’s about time”, said an avocado buyer outside a supermarket in Christmas Street. “I’ve only got two fingers remaining on my left hand because of past accidents, although one of them was because of a banana”.

 “This will actually save lives and that’s what matters”, said another nutter.

 An avocado expert spoke to Illwell News and said, “We still have a long way to go to reach the standards of, say, a satsuma but who wants that on your toast”.

 Many traditionalists are upset that fruit is going this way. One remarked, “I think it’s an absolute waste of time trying to make peeling fruit easier just because people are lazy and ridiculous. There are far more important issues that should be addressed, like making those silver ‘watch’ battery packs better so you didn’t need half a day in the tool shed to get the thing out. And what about milk?”

 Illwell Hospital staff were breathing a sigh of relief however. A nurse we spoke to, who didn’t want to give her name for fear of reprisals, said, “It’s only just come on to the market but already today we’ve seen a drop in Avocado related cases”.

 When asked, “Are these new style Avocados genetically modified?” an Avocado Producer replied, “No. They’re just ‘modified’”.

Above: Even a fat baby could probably get into the new Avocado without making a mess!

Fairweathers market the first ever ‘All day Evening Meal’.

 Following on from their ‘All Week Sunday Roast’, Fairweathers Pub Chain have started selling an evening meal all through the day.

 The chain have said that they want to provide for all tastes and are expecting there will be high demand.

 Critics have accused them of trying get rid of a surplus stock that was about to go out of date. “There food is delivered in ‘long life’ frozen packets and I fear some of those meals are reaching there ‘eat by’ date”, said a critic.

 Another critic suggested that the ‘all day evening meal’ was in fact just a ‘meal’.

 “We seem to attract a lot of criticism from jealous food experts and such but we have a lot of very satisfied customers”, said the manager of the local branch.

 Recently they were criticised for banning dogs because of their unpredictability and the fact that they scared some customers. That came only a year after some customers were banned for scaring dogs.

 In another incident, a vegan was given beef and had to throw up in the toilets just in case it had any beef in it.

Pupils sent home from school for flouting uniform rules. 

It's now known that up to 30 children were sent home from Illwell Primary for ‘dressing inappropriately’ on the first day of term and the number is expected to rise.

Some parents were outraged at the ‘new rules’ and claim they were not prepared. A parent who chose to remain anonymous said, “My boy was sent home simply because he didn’t have the right shoes and had yellow jeans on! The school should give us time to get to know the rules”.

Another disgruntled parent shouted at our reporter from the window of a car as if was speeding away from the school, “Shove your damn uniform!”

 The decision created a ‘heated’ situation at the school gates with some parents threatening to punch the Headmaster in the face for not being reasonable.
“It’s not like you can get the uniform from anywhere”, said another person. “There are only 6 specific shops nearby”.

 The Headmaster, Mr. Mallet, said, “The rules are clear and were given to all parents three months ago. The parents have had all summer to get the uniform together. It’s so disappointing when so many managed to dress their kids appropriately and then we get kids in trainers, tight skirts and skinny jeans. One boy turned up in a puffy shirt and knee high boots”.

 A lot of parents backed the Headmaster. “It was almost laughable”, said Kevin Slap. “You’d think it was a fancy dress parade the way some kids were turned out. And some of their parents were wearing pyjamas! You can bet your life that if there's a rare, branded, limited edition, hard to get, pair of trainers brought out, the kids will have them the next day but they can't get a basic school uniform in three months".

 A teacher at the school remarked, “Can’t anybody see the answer? The only way to get all kids to wear the same thing is to let them wear what they want”.

 This comes on the same day as ‘Academies’ came under fire for being stupid.

Local Singing Competition on hold as judge is sacked!

 The annual singing competition held every year at The Wellgood Head has been put back this year after William Robertson was sacked. 

Robertson, a reasonably successful singer in the past, insisted that his wife be a judge alongside him. Other panellists thought the idea was ‘ridiculous’ and Robertson was told to go and revive his career.

The competition itself has become less popular over the last few years due to lack of any real talent. “Most of the wannabees tend to wail like they're being murdered”, said Ronny Most, a former judge and Radio Illwell personality. “It’s all too glitzy now. There’s nothing fresh and, when they get through to the final, they all look the same, like they’ve had a make-over from a back street tattooist”.

Robertson was unavailable for comment when we met him but his wife is said to be upset that she wasn’t considered 'worthy'.

The make-up of the judging panel will now feature two new faces and the competition is likely to start in October.

“I think it’s stretching the ‘take your wife to work day’ a bit too far” said a punter who agreed with the decision to sack Robertson.

Some supporters of Robertson were upset and took to Spluttr to vent their frustration. One disgruntled fan remarked, “So, what if his wife doesn’t have a singing pedigree! Nor do most of the audience, and they still get to vote”.

The Wellgood Head have supported the competition for a number of years despite opposition from local musicians who believe it tarnishes the venue’s good name. A few years back, Cropston Fairweather said of the contest, “It gives Karaoke a bad name”.

Food Giants, ‘Dregs’ opens near to town! 

The fast food chain Dregs have opened an outlet close to Illwell Town which has some locals worried.

The food giants, famous for their lukewarm food, have opened in a service station 3 miles from Illwell Town centre and although it’s not inside the town limits people fear it could be the thin end of the wedge.

The chain that have branches in most towns of the UK have never managed to move into Illwell because of opposition from the majority of the town who are loyal to local bakeries and the home-grown Illwell Tartlet. The chain do their own ‘squashed flat’ pies, pasties and  tartlets which are thought to be ‘inferior versions’ of tradition fare for the mass market.

Locals don’t appear to think that Dregs Tartlet will threaten the prize-winning Illwell Tartlet that is often protected.

“We don’t have anything to fear”, said Ron Robinson of ‘sPies’ on Christmas Street. “People who are coming into the town are going to eat when they get here and people going away from the town will be full. Dregs is unlikely to tempt them. Besides, we don’t really cater for the same type of customer as are products do not easily fit in your pocket.”

The café/bakery ‘sPies’ is one of the most popular, drawing customers from all around with their award winning Lumpy Buns, Niche Quiche and Sweet Chive Tea.  

Illwell has prided itself on keeping the majority of ‘chains’ out of the town and despite Fairweathers, the pub chain, and Pronto, the cheap shop, there are few others.

Spluttr comments:

“Why would anyone go to Dregs when you can go elsewhere and get food!”

“I tried Dregs once and bought a Fake Bake. I threw in the nearest bin after one bite!  

“Whenever I see a Dregs, I cross the road!”

“At least our Lumpy Buns are safe!”

Above: An example of the old 'favourite' hand pull towel machine.

More hygienic?

Hot Air Blow Dryers Alert!

 A recent report into Hot Air Blow Dryers used in public conveniences has sent alarm spreading through Illwell’s toilet community.

 The report, done by scientists, concluded that the machines spread more germs that paper towels and it urged the use of them to be stopped, particularly in Hospitals and good clean Pubs.

 The main problem, according to experts, is that people don’t wash their hands properly and bits of dirt and scum fly about in all directions and could hit someone in the face.

 “If we could get people to wash their hands properly then it would solve a lot of problems the world over, but that will never happen”, said a leading Health Worker.

Pubs and cafes all over Illwell now have the dilemma of whether to carry on using the dryers or to convert back to paper towels. Some are angry after spending money on the expensive appliances. On hearing the news, it's rumoured that one furious landlord ripped his system off the wall and threw it into the street.

 After we posted the link on Spluttr the comments came in thick and fast and most were 'not keen' on the dryers. A selection of the comments: 

“They make too much bloody racket an’ all”.
“And if you sneeze at the same time you’re drying your hands, think how much worse it will be!”
“I much preferred those old hand pull machines with the blue towels. They were hygienic. The only difficulty was getting your leg through the loop”.

You won't believe the new craze that's gripping the internet - well, you will.

The new craze that’s sweeping the internet where people have to do what everybody else does to show that they’re one of the crowd who does things that they’re told to do – and it’s not even for charity - has taken hold.

It’s called ‘Snaking’ and involves a person wriggling their bodies while waving their hands in the air as a bus hurtles towards them from behind. The idea is to see how long you can stay in the road.

Police have warned that, although the bus would usually stop if someone was gyrating in the road, people could be badly run over if drivers are, for instance, distracted by watching the craze on their phones. "We could actually have a situation where a driver is viewing the very person their about to hit! It's that addictive!" said a ex-police officer.

One youngster called Del Fusion (Internet handle), who'd been brought up on the internet said, "I tried it and suddenly I was hit by the realisation that I'm stupid. So I stopped and got on with thinking up acronyms".

"It's cool because everyone does it", said a Snaker from Hull. 

A contributor to a recent report called the 'Study To Understand People's Internet Dependency', said, "It's a worrying trend when, otherwise, normally balanced people copy something that's been thought up by an idiot".

A local school teacher remarked, "We see a lot of these trends and obsessions being played out in the classrooms and playgrounds. It's like the modern day version of the 'chain letter'. Kids feel they'll be picked on if they don't join in and, when they do, they're still picked on".

Pronto store sells ‘fake’ gold wedding ring.  

A woman who brought a gold wedding ring at a local branch of Pronto, only to find out that the ring was in fact ‘painted plastic’, says she wanted to tell her story so others wouldn’t make the same mistake and shop at Pronto.

The £99 band was advertised as ‘pure gold’ and had the correct markings but when it she went to have enlarged its’ true identity was revealed. “When I prised the ring off my finger at the Jewellers, it just snapped and he looked at me funny. I ran out”, said Mrs Salmon from Cambridge.

A Pronto representative said, “We take issues like this very seriously are we’re conducting an internal investigation to find out what happened. We suspect some of the toy rings accidentally got mixed and packaged and priced along with real jewellery. We’re recalling all gold and toy rings and we suggest, if anyone feels their ring might not be gold, to see if it snaps easily”.

The question was put to the store, “Why would a plastic ring carry a hallmark?” They answered, “To make it look as real as possible”.

Mrs. Salmon had worn the ring for ten years and had never suspected it was a dud. “I noticed it was very light but I just thought that’s how they made gold these days”, she added.

After the ill-fated purchase of the ring at the Pronto store, Illwell News offered to get it valued, and an expert said, “It’s worth almost nothing at all. It’s just a bunch of cheap shops”.

Mrs. Salmon had intended leaving the ring to her daughter who no longer wants it so she has laughed off the whole thing and had the ring melted down to make a small shape for the mantle-piece.

DJ to quit Bisley FM Breakfast Show. 

Evan Clark (known as Clarky) has been a fixture of Bisley FM Breakfast Show for a long time but he is due to quit by the end of the year.

He says, ‘not wanting to do it anymore’ is the reason for his decision but some people will no doubt want him to continue his knock-about morning banter modelled on the 70’s DJ Ed Nollinson.

Both men climbed to the top with zany antics that please the casual listener.  

“There’ll always be a market for ‘shallow’”, said a spokesperson for the station. “It’s a shame to lose him and we’ll need to bring in someone who’s a little bit different but a lot the same. Someone who knows where the bar is set and leaves it alone”.  

Fears that Clark wants to move to Radio Illwell’s drive-time show ‘Light, Lovely and Pointless’ are unfounded. "He isn’t likely to cross the pond (Bisley Lake) unless it’s to buy a book", said Illwell’s Programme Controller, Ron Grady. "As for getting one of our shows, not a chance in Hell!"

Grady was once Clark's producer when they both worked for the commercial station Central Radio before it went into administration. Clark was responsible for getting Grady sacked, citing his 'controlling manner'.

Illwell Outdoor Summer Stage at The Lake finally ready! 

After a years in the planning the summer stage was finally finished and erected on Illwell Shore on August 31st ready for a hastily re-arranged show featuring Cropston Fairweather and The Wigged People.

The stage was due to be completed by May of 2018 but was delayed because of what was described as ‘a con’. The Bisley construction company ‘Stage Set Up’ were accused adding costs to the original agreed budget and work was halted while they argued. Eventually, a compromise was reached and the stage was completed two days before it was due to be dismantled.

“At least we got to have one day of music”, said a reveller.

A spokesperson for The Council Of Illwell said, “I don’t think we needed to go to ‘Stage Set Up’ in the first place. We have plenty of blokes in Illwell who could have knocked up a stage in no time, without any fuss and at half the cost. Why go across the pond (Bisley Lake) when we have local skills nearby in this vicinity?”

It’s not the first time a Bisley company has fallen out of favour with Illwell.

The Bisley security giants ‘Show Police’ were banned from operating at all future Illwell Town events in 2016 after complaints about heavy handed tactics. Even artists were getting involved at the 2015 ‘Lakeside Fest’ when Cropston Fairweather’s manager said, “Discrete is not a word they understand. Nor do they seem to realise that the festival goers are paying their wages".

All Show Police staff have the distinctive yellow ‘hi vis’ jackets with the words ‘SHOW POL’ on the back distinguishing them from real people. If people see any of them in the Illwell area they are advised to stay clear and inform the authorities.

August 2018

Bisley Bank fined by Ombudsman 

The local bank of Bisley Town has been find a record amount of money for misleading customers into thinking they charged less for ‘unauthorised over-draws’ than leading banks, when they actually charged more.

It came to light when a customer invoiced the bank for his time, travel and parking charges when they insisted he came to their premises for a meeting that, he says, could have been held at his home. “They wanted to talk to me in order to help me with my finances and it cost me £7:20 in expenses and two hours of my valuable time, which at minimum wage would be £15.66!” said Mr. Corner. “They did actually say that the meeting should be at my convenience but when I suggested they come to my house, they weren’t keen. They refused to pay my invoice of £22.86 and that's when I started looking into 'charges' on my account. I was mad”.

Mr. Corner spent weeks looking into charges over a six month period and compared to other banks. The conclusion was that the Bank's slogan "We charge less because we're small!" flew in the face of reality.

A representative of the bank commented to say, “We are trading within the law”. When asked "How far within?" He replied, “Just”. He was then asked why a successful and profitable company like Bisley Bank, who also run chain of Launderettes, felt they had to stretch the law to the limit with the highest penalties for law abiding customers. He declined to comment.

The fine, which has been rumoured to be into the millions but is in fact £750,000 will go the treasury and the bank will recoup the money from their customers with various charges.

Mr. Corner is preparing to invoice the Ombudsman for his work.

Man thrown out of popular fast-food purveyor in Bisley for not ordering properly! 

The Bisley branch of the famous fast-food chain MeDangles has made the headlines for losing patience with a man who couldn’t get their signature dishes right. A four star employee of the chain described the incident. “At first he asked for a ‘Big Jack with Frits’ which obviously isn’t the right name. When I said, ‘Do you mean chips?’ He replied, ‘Haven’t you got Frits then?’ It was irritating. I said that we don’t have a ‘Big Jack’ either. So, then he asked for a ‘Whooper’!”

Apparently the unnamed man was getting everything wrong even though the menu was clearly displayed in glowing neon behind the counter. “He didn’t seem to realise it was a fast-food establishment”, said a person behind him in the queue. “It was actually slowing things down! He asked for a bucket of fish at one point, and everyone knows MeDangles would never do that!”

A spokesperson for MeDangles said, “It’s a shame that people can’t get our dishes right after we’ve bashed them over the head with our products for years but I guess some people will always be out of touch. The Supervisor said he was asking for ‘Big’ instead of ‘Large’ which is confusing for a well trained workforce. They were stressed out by the incident. A number of employees had to take the next day off with symptoms of ‘confusion’ but they will all be supported with extra conditioning so they can be back to work as soon as possible to support their families”. 

Eventually, security staff had to intervene and managed to extricate the man (who kept referring to them as ‘Life Guards’) from the premises.

Music Review: Patty and Jim – The Wellgood Head

The last time Patty and Jim came to town they were pretty much unknown but now you could say they are 'not known very well' at the very least. There latest album launched them as an album making duo back in 2010 and they're touring off the back of it.

They started with an old song from 2010 called We Reached That Time In Life, an autobiographical account of their love for each other and their contentment with life on the road and off. Their second offering 'Sitting In The Garden' is packed with attitude. As is tune based on a boundary dispute called 'Our Fence'.

It's a consistent set with Jim's guitar playing completely complimenting Patty's voice. When he hit's the keyboard it changes gear and his stolid lack of movement thoroughly compliments her swaying and jigging.

The last song was a their trademark ballad, 'We're Leaving Now' which was better than the other songs but at least the highlight of the evening came at the end.

Illwell Bunting Festival visitor numbers remain exactly the same!

The second annual Bank Holiday Bunting Festival was held in Illwell over the weekend and as many flocked to the event as last year according to the organisers.  Geoff Thomas, editor of the magazine 'A Bunting We Will Go' said, “It was certainly as busy as last year, so that's an improvement. A lot of the same faces, sure but interestingly the number of new faces corresponded exactly with the number who didn't come back.” Geoff is on The Bunting Festival Committee and over sees many activities during and over the weekend, one of which was The Triangle Square Bunting Competition, won by Graham Deane with his alternate 'square/triangle' theme, fitting in nicely with the location of the event. 

One festival goer praised the event as unique. “There's nothing like it in my life. I've been a fan of bunting for decades and what a lot of people don't realise is that bunting isn't just one dimensional inverted triangular plastic pieces suspended by a string, although that's part of it”, she said. 

One cheeky Bunter created the theme of a 'washing line', by creating mini items of bright coloured clothing strung along a wire between two posts, for the competition. Everything from trousers and blouses to underwear and socks. Unfortunately, some of the items were stolen before the bunting was judged and the exhibit didn't make the final. 

There are plans to make the event even bigger next year, Mr. Thomas confirmed. “It's not a bad thing that numbers were consistent with last year as consistency is one of the main tenets of good bunting manufacturing but imagine if the Bunting Festival Boundary threshold was crossed by one more person, or a dog even!”

Picture: In American it's called The Potato Chip
but in the U.K. it goes by it's real name, the 'Crisp'.

Crisps no longer welcome in the town! 

The Bisley firm Ramblers who make the popular crisp snack are facing a backlash from retailers and customers alike over their packaging. This comes after a 24 year old crisp packet was found in a fish caught on Bisley Lake. The packet, with a sell by date of May 1994, was in mint condition and later sold on the internet for £1.20.  

“It’s disgraceful!” said the fisherman. “How can a crisp packet not biodegrade in that amount of time even when it’s in the digestive system of a fish? I think they seriously need to look at their packaging. It’s also the 'knock on' effect. The fish tasted of smoky bacon”.

A spokesperson for Ramblers said, “We are looking to change our packaging and think that by 2024 we will have a totally recyclable operation. People have to understand that these things take time and money”. When asked why a company with plenty of money and resources hadn’t made changes already, he said, “Because we didn’t have to”. 

This didn’t wash with a public who are often asked to change habits immediately for the sake of the environment. Christmas Street shoppers’ views were far from mixed in their condemnation of Ramblers. “They should be made to change the packets now!” said one angry passer-by. Another remarked, “That’s the last time I’m ever going to buy Ramblers crisps”, pointing to a trolley full of the tasty snacks.

A man has been fined for fishing illegally and eating said fish.

Craft Fair bans traders selling 'kit cards'!

The Illwell Craft Fair organisers have taken the controversial action of banning 'Kit Card' traders from the annual Christmas Craft Fair at Illwell Hall. Leena Selvey, who started the fair back in 2010, was scathing in her dismissal of crafters who pedal the greetings cards. “It's hardly a craft!” she said. “It's just sticking bits on to pre-folded card from packs you can get on the internet. They even suggest where you stick the bits. Imagine what's it's like for a true artist who actually paints or draws original images when some 'Kit Card Johnny' rocks up on the table next to them!”

Lorna Humphrey defended the art of card making, saying, “We spend a lot of time exacting our techniques to ensure all the cards have an individual flourish. It's 'precision' that we're selling and that is as good as anything else. You ask Picasso. He was very precise!"

The argument looks to continue with neither side backing down. Selvey has said that the decision is final and she has the backing of the majority of Crafters who attend the fair. Humphrey is planning a demonstration outside this year's event.

It was put to Selvey that part of the art was making the card look like it wasn't  made from a kit. Selvey replied, "Why don't they do that then?"

The Craft fair is no stranger to controversy. Back in 2013 there was a similar furore when there was talk of preventing Cross-Stitchers from attending as many works followed a 'pattern'. In the end a compromise was reached and 'free-form cross-stitchers' were allowed to continue trading.

New Stand-Up Comedy Night to open in Bisley after being declined by Illwell Venue! 

Comedy promoter Liam Frackle had his plans for a new Illwell Comedy Club thwarted by the venue and has now opted to take his business to Bisley. It is understood that The Blue Moon on Christmas Street was interested in putting on a stand-up comedy night but felt that Frackle’s approach left something to be desired.

A spokesperson for the pub, known locally as The Moon, said, “The stand-up comedy that was floated to us was of a style that’s not much higher than the bar room chat we get for free. We looked into some of the names on Frackle’s books and were disappointed in the level which is, no doubt, pleasing to ‘party comedy’ punters and ‘hen’ and ‘stag’ events but offers little to seasoned comedy goer. This kind of thing is much more suited to Bisley”.

Frackle’s chain of clubs has often come under fire for what’s been described as ‘bang them over the head’ comedy by a local critic. “The trend to lower the comedy bar to make it easier for people to get into the art is a disaster for stand-up in general”, she said. “So called ‘Comedians’ deliver the most basic of stuff – lines that anybody could make up – and pass it off as an ‘act’. Either that or they steal the material. Then they often shout it at you, into the bargain”.

‘Banters’ opens in Bisley next month.

Featherweights Pub Row Escalates! 

A row has erupted over disruptive children in Pubs. A man complained to the Christmas Street branch of the Pub chain Featherweights about a woman who 'couldn't appear to control her child'. “People were trying to have a nice quiet breakfast”, he said. “The woman didn't seem to consider this and, in the end, I left without even having a third pint.”

Others describe the scene as 'normal' but one diner accused the woman of deliberately ignoring her child so that the young boy would seek attention by disrupting others. “It's quite clear the mother wanted to attract conflict in order to become a victim. To be honest, the kid was fine when I shouted at him to stop kung-fu kicking my Labrador. I think 'she' was the problem. She obviously wasn't from Illwell either”.

Some patrons did come to the defence of the 'unnamed' lady and a row broke out on Spluttr. Here's a slice:

Comment by AnonBo:
“What's she supposed to do? Leave her kid at home when she's down the Pub?”

Comment by Giz:
“She was doing everything she could and seemed to be on her phone looking for answers all the time she was there!”

Comment by Sezzu:
“Where was the Father?”
                    Reply to Sezzu by Mont:
                    “Well, he wasn't with the Son so maybe he was with The Holy Ghost!”

“What they need in Featherweights is a a ball pit and some toys and, also, something for the kids!”

Featherweights have declined to comment on the incident specifically but say they are constantly retraining their staff. Eventually, the woman revealed her own identity as Lucy Andrews by taking Spluttr. She defended herself by stating, “My son has behavioural difficulties which was why I was in the Pub so early”. Lucy is the girlfriend of Bisley United defender Wayne Coddle.

Weekend Traffic chaos!

A huge jam on the dual-carriageway section of the Bisley by-pass brought traffic to a standstill for up to and including four hours. Many families were trapped all Saturday afternoon in the gleaming heat without energy drinks.

Robert Mutter, a salesman, tweeted, “This is hell!” with a picture of himself sweating in his suit. Others remarked on how it brought people together and how some were “sharing their snacks with complete and utter strangers.”

The ramifications were widespread and a village fete had to be cancelled because the marching band couldn’t get through. Many arrived home late for tea and missed out on essential shopping.

A spokesperson for the police said, “My heart goes out to those affected by the incident but unfortunately there is very little that can be done situations like this”.

The delays were caused by a lorry over-taking another lorry.

University Heaven!

All around the country students are being given places at Universities ‘unconditionally’.

Regardless of their ‘A’ level results offers are guaranteed, which is great news for bad students.

Bisley University (which is only small and quite commercial) is said to be offering places to students with no qualifications at all. Not even ‘O’ Levels. In a statement, they said: “Hey, if you left school at 16 with nothing, and you can’t find anything to do by the time you’re 18, come to Bisley University! All you need is the fee!”

This is new territory for young people as their exam results come in. Many celebrating their success without excluding the students who’ve failed. It seems, everybody wins and everybody gets the hugs and the kisses.

“This is equality working at its best”, said a person. “It’s like coming last in the 100 metres and still getting a gold medal. It’s progress”.

A spokesperson for Fairness Against Intelligence said, "It's great that education has finally become 'non-competitive' and fallen in line with primary school sports day thinking."

Illwell Town doesn’t have a University at the moment.

Bisley Cave goes into administration!

The ill-fated plan to build a tunnel under Bisley Lake to join the slightly larger town with Illwell floundered in 2002 when Illwell pulled out of the project three months after Bisley started digging. The tunnel was based on a design by Freidrick Juenkz and was set to shave at least 5 minutes off the journey time between the two towns. Bisley's attempts to recoup costs by operating the 'Bisley Cave' tourist attraction have now been thwarted by lack of tourism. The manager of the Bisley Cave, Garden Tea House and Water Picnic Area said, "You just can't keep a good thing going when people don't think it's a good thing".  

There have been criticisms of the 'attraction' from the outset. Many thought the entrance price was too high whilst others have been more scathing, complaining that it's 'dull', 'unimaginative' and 'one dimensional'. "It's just a bloody big hole", wrote one complainant to the Bisley Mail.  

There are no plans to resurrect the tunnel project after a huge backlash from Illwell Town residents to the initial plan. Some councillors were against it from the beginning and the rumours circulated that many were unhappy, feeling that the larger (more commercial) town had tried to push this through. "We have no wish to be closer to Bisley", voiced one angry man. An opinion that appears to be shared by the majority of Illwell residents.


Bisley Ticket Agency close their 'secondary site'!

Tout Mister Ticket Agency have closed their secondary site 'Charge Me More' after complaints that 'touts' were buying up tickets purposely to resell at a massive profit.  A spokesperson from Tout Mister said, "For some time we've realised that the secondary site was encouraging unscrupulous behaviour and we now feel it's time to call an end to this in order to protect genuine ticket buyers".  When asked why it had taken so long for them to act, he replied, "I don't know".

Cropston Fairweather, a long time critic of ticket agency pratices said, "I know the internet is fast but the speed with which tickets were transferred to the secondary site was alarming. You could almost think that Tout Mister were doing it themselves".  Tout Mister denied this, adding that they will continue to provide a service to the public selling tickets at the 'face value' plus 'handling fee', 'booking fee', 'courtesy commission' and 'administration charges' only.

Meanwhile, the Illwell Town ticket system remains the same. No fees and you buy your tickets from the venue who are paid a % by the artist.

Ghost Hunter Woman Fires Back!

The owner of the local ghost hunting group, Haunted Jaunts, has spoken out after people refused to take her seriously on a recent radio appearance. Michelle Jones, who sometimes goes under the name Narc Narkel and has weird hair, was interviewed by Radio Illwell about her own ghost sightings after complaints that ghost hunts and vigils organised by her company were ‘laughable nonsense’ and ‘over-priced farcical rip-offs’.  

She insisted that she’d had many experiences with spirits in her years as director of Haunted Jaunts.  She said, “I’ve heard people running up non-existent staircases, only to find there once actually was a staircase there. I’ve seen a table move on its own and, one night, my feet got heavy”. 

She currently works for a local park to supplement her company.

Fairweather for Surrey!

Cropston Fairweather will be playing a 30 minute set at The Godstonebury Festival On Saturday September 1st, where he hopes to debut a couple of old songs and maybe sneak in a few new ones. It will be his first major gig outside Illwell Town since the accident. He will also be appearing at Wigton's premier venue The Tap and Barrell on August 27th (Bank Holiday Monday) which is significantly nearer to Illwell being inside The Midlands near to Leicester.

Radio Illwell listeners complain in their dozen!
Many RI listeners felt the need to vent their frustrations after a recent interview with Illwell Town Medium/Psychic was aired. Eric Deplorer was asked to demonstrate his powers at contacting the spirit world 'live' on air but appeared to have more trouble understanding the whereabouts of people he was talking to in this world. The Steve Knowles (previously Stevie Knowles) programme also got the attention of a local activist who campaigns against fake psychics. Her name is Claire Avoidance, who said, "He totally showed himself up for the floundering idiot he is". Below is an extract from the interview:

Steve Knowles:
 Welcome back. In the studio we have the very distinguish Medium, Eric Deplorer who is still talking to Cathy... 
 ...I’m getting, yes, thank you, blue wallpaper. Definitely blue. Do you have any experience in the past with blue wall paper, maybe in your house, in some room at some stage...?

(voice appears to be coming down a phone line)
Well, now you come to mention it, my Mother had blue wallpaper in her bathroom at one time...

And has your Mother passed over? 
No, she lives in Wisbech.
Mmmm, shame. Yes, thank you... I’m getting a bathroom now... And I think, yes, thank you, I’m, if you please, getting a picture of you, at the sink, in the blue bathroom, as a small girl... 
Boy! I was a boy back then... but you knew that, yes?
Oh! I’m not getting that. Leave this with me because it’s a bit faint, the signal, at the moment. It doesn’t work too well over the phone sometimes, thank you.... 
I’m in the studio.  Sitting... over here!
Oh, it sounds like you are on the phone. 
This is how I talk. 
Steve Knowles: 
...Maybe we should try someone else. Let's go to the phones. On Line One we have Jerry?
(voice very clear like in the studio) 
Steve Knowles:
This is Jerry from Illwell Town? 
Yes, is it. 
Well, Jerry, I can certainly hear you very clearly. Are you sure you're not here in the studio?
No, this is how I talk!

D.I.Y. Arrest!

An employee of Parker's D.I.Y. shop, Barry Finch, has been arrested under 'harassment laws' and held for questioning at Illwell Police Station.  We understand that it is in connection with his sales techniques and it appears that Finch had been harassing customers by insinuation, suggesting that they were buying items for  'dubious purposes'.  One customer, who wished to remain anonymous commented, "He made me feel like I was a serial killer and I only went in for a claw hammer and some grease. He kept  winking at me!".  Another customer said that Finch had bullied him into buying an under-the-counter house cleanser called 'Blood Wash'.  Parker's D.I.Y. have declined to comment but it is understood that they have accelerated their staff training programme to ensure there is no confusion in the future. Mr. Finch's future at the company is in some doubt.

News from across the lake

Bisley Private Hospital is to offer free operations as a part of it's reward scheme. The offer, open only to new patients who take up their health insurance plans, will start soon and is expected to extend to the offer of a free minor operation of your choice (excluding vanity cosmetic surgery and subject to availability).

Controversial Therapy

Two residents of Illwell have caused 'a bit of a palaver' with their new business venture.  Some people are 'up in arms' and others are calling for an intervention by The Council.  Robert Lockhead and Simon Herbert are real life civil partners and, with the backing of the Illwell Small Businesses Starter Project Fund have finally opened their new clinic 'Nothing is Everything' in the hope of attracting many confused and irrational, lost souls to seek help at a low and competitive cost. The therapy that has caused the most controversy is their 'Christianity Cure'. They do state that's it's not just Christianity that they believe they can cure but many other forms of indoctrination.  (Note: Reports elsewhere that this therapy is a 'new thing' are completely wrong. Radio Illwell reported this some years ago).

Illwell Bus Services (IBS)

Bus services between the north end of Jenny Lane and Noose End will be supplemented by a replacement 660 metre 'guided' walk because of roadworks on Christmas Crescent. Illwell Depot apologises for any inconvenience during the chaos and asks people to make allowances for the difference in 'journey time' which is likely to be 7 minutes faster than normal. (Depending on your pace).


Illwell weather experts have announced that this has probably been the hottest summer since records were scrapped in 1977.   Thomas Chewd of the Illwell Council has been monitoring our climatic conditions by 'going out every day' and 'seeing what it's like'.   He said, "People should take precautions in this intense heat as there is a danger to life.  Already a man has been taken to Bisley hospital due to diving in to the lake off Illwell Crag. And don't leave children or dogs in cars, it's mad".

Excellent new parking machines are to be introduced along Jenny Lane. In order to park alongside such a machine, it will be necessary to extract a ticket by paying a fee and keying in your registration number and postcode, supplying a thumb print and a small blood sample.

Demi's Taxis! - 

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Call Illwell 261261