Weekend Traffic chaos!
A huge jam on the dual-carriageway section of the Bisley by-pass brought traffic to a standstill for up to and including four hours. Many families were trapped all Saturday afternoon in the gleaming heat without energy drinks.
Robert Mutter, a salesman, tweeted, “This is hell!” with a picture of himself sweating in his suit. Others remarked on how it brought people together and how some were “sharing their snacks with complete and utter strangers.”
The ramifications were widespread and a village fete had to be cancelled because the marching band couldn’t get through. Many arrived home late for tea and missed out on essential shopping.
A spokesperson for the police said, “My heart goes out to those affected by the incident but unfortunately there is very little that can be done situations like this”.
The delays were caused by a lorry over-taking another lorry.

Bisley Cave goes into administration!
The ill-fated plan to build a tunnel under Bisley Lake to join the slightly larger town with Illwell floundered in 2002 when Illwell pulled out of the project three months after Bisley started digging. The tunnel was based on a design by Freidrick Juenkz and was set to shave at least 5 minutes off the journey time between the two towns. Bisley's attempts to recoup costs by operating the 'Bisley Cave' tourist attraction have now been thwarted by lack of tourism. The manager of the Bisley Cave, Garden Tea House and Water Picnic Area said, "You just can't keep a good thing going when people don't think it's a good thing".  
There have been criticisms of the 'attraction' from the outset. Many thought the entrance price was too high whilst others have been more scathing, complaining that it's 'dull', 'unimaginative' and 'one dimensional'. "It's just a bloody big hole", wrote one complainant to the Bisley Mail.  
There are no plans to resurrect the tunnel project after a huge backlash from Illwell Town residents to the initial plan. Some councillors were against it from the beginning and the rumours circulated that many were unhappy, feeling that the larger (more commercial) town had tried to push this through. "We have no wish to be closer to Bisley", voiced one angry man. An opinion that appears to be shared by the majority of Illwell residents.

Illwell Town Mug raises £50 for charity a stand-up comedy auction!!

A comedy night hosted by Cropston Fairweather raised a total of £184 at and end of gig auction with a rare Illwell Town mug fetching a huge £50. Other items included a huge cinema foyer display of Marvin the Paranoid Android from the film version Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, a number of DVD collections and some cheese knives. The bidder is said to be a private collector of mugs and wishes to remain anonymous.

Strides Charity (Leicester) will receive the full £184.
The comedy night was held at The Tap & Barrel in Wigston Magna, Leicestershire and feature stand-ups, Pete Phillipson, Sarah Johnson, Matt Hollins and Jinder Singh. The next one will be on November 18th at 6pm. It's not certain whether there will be another auction.

Said Mug.

Bisley Ticket Agency close their 'secondary site'!
Tout Mister Ticket Agency have closed their secondary site 'Charge Me More' after complaints that 'touts' were buying up tickets purposely to resell at a massive profit. A spokesperson from Tout Mister said, "For some time we've realised that the secondary site was encouraging unscrupulous behaviour and we now feel it's time to call an end to this in order to protect genuine ticket buyers". When asked why it had taken so long for them to act, he replied, "I don't know".
Cropston Fairweather, a long time critic of ticket agency practices said, "I know the internet is fast but the speed with which tickets were transferred to the secondary site was alarming. You could almost think that Tout Mister were doing it themselves". Tout Mister denied this, adding that they will continue to provide a service to the public selling tickets at the 'face value' plus 'handling fee', 'booking fee', 'courtesy commission' and 'administration charges' only.
Meanwhile, the Illwell Town ticket system remains the same. No fees and you buy your tickets from the venue who are paid a % by the artist.

‘Nail’ Under Threat?

Illwell’s oldest and longest running manufacturer of nails is under threat of closure and has already made some redundancies. Nail have widened their production to include screws and industrial staples in the last few years but have not managed to recover from losses due to increased internet competition.

“It’s a shame that it has come to this”, said a former employee Barry Shevill, who didn’t want to be named. “It was a sad day when they started to produce screws and staples because they were great at nails and should have concentrated on that alone, according to me”, he continued.

Many believed they are the best nail manufacturers in the world but the future doesn’t look good for the company that started as a family business in the 2006.

Production Line Manager Richard Grant said, “For 20 years I’ve been with Nail and I will be sad if the firm folds”.

Illwell News understands there will be yet another ‘staff dump’ early next year, in a bid to put off the end.

A receptionist told us that trade had definitely dropped off and most of her time was spent fending off requests for pedicure appointments.

Couple to split after ‘Kiss Me Quick’ reality show ‘drunken dance’. 

A contestant on the Bisley TV channel’s ‘Kiss Me Quick’ kissing competition has been caught dancing with his kissing partner.

 The couple who wowed the judges with their ‘park bench’ snog challenge last week were photographed having a cheeky dance after a night out. Minor celebrity Tomm Bonner tried to defend himself by claiming it was just a ‘late night drunken wiggle’ but witnesses – of which there were many – seemed to think otherwise. 

“It was fairly obvious that both of them were enjoying the dance and they didn’t seem to care who was watching”, said one late night reveller who was prepared to hand over phone footage for money. The producers of the early evening show are said to be furious that they couldn’t control the wayward pair off screen as well as on, and have promised to take revenge. 

The couple, who have both taken to Splattr to apologise, are in long term relationships that are now said to be under threat. Bonner’s girlfriend wrote in a Splatt, “Tomm and me are finished but our careers will go from strength to strength”. 

Splattr comments: 

GrewSome2: “Yeah, it’s easy to say it’s just a moment of madness but we all known that a seemingly one-off drunken waltz can lead to a foxtrot and all sorts” 
SicVic: “It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour. Showbiz should be ashamed. There are kids watching”. 
C-All: “I saw this coming. You could tell by the way they kissed that there was something in the air”