Man told to take down his fake speed camera! 
  • The Bisley Town Council have asked a man to dismantle his fake speed camera for fear of slowing traffic. “It’s not up to the public to try to control the speed of vehicles and this construction could cause distraction and crashes”, said a spokesperson for Roads of England.  
  • When confronted with the question ‘Why are real speed cameras not a distraction?’ he replied, “Because they’re real”. 
  • Don Preston, who lives on the main road out of Bisley, monitors the speed of travellers constantly and says that 90% of motorists fail to keep inside the 50mph limit. It prompted him to build a very realistic looking set of cameras pointing towards the oncoming traffic. 
  • “I’m working on a system that ‘flashes’ at night, making drivers think they’ve been caught”, said Don who was fined last year for possession of a ‘tyre spike strip’. 
  • The 52 year old father of three claimed his age and parental status were not relevant and vowed to keep the camera in place despite being asked by the Council of Bisley to remove it. 
  • Local drivers had mixed views: 
  • “I’d rather be not caught by a fake camera than to be caught by a real one”, said the owner of a 3 Wheel Drive Hatchback. Another commuter said, “I realise the desire for people to take things into their own hands but what next? Frankenstein?” 
  • Neighbours rallied around to defend Mr. Preston saying that the camera was no more a distraction than a roadside advert, a ‘speed kills’ sign or a trotting fox. 
  • The camera is no longer there after Mr. Preston was asked to remove it.

Above: Healthy Speed camera

Below: There are up sides to cosmetic surgery. Beautiful lips.

Edge on Nature

"We have the edge on nature", says Bisley Surgeon! 

The controversial plastic surgeon, Robert Futility, has released a book condemning nature. In his ‘Humans Know Better’ book, he describes natural processes as ‘obsessive and fundamentally negative’.

“The thing is”, he says in his book, “Nature has been around too long and gotten set in its ways about beauty and looks and how things should be. It doesn’t want to accept new ideas”. 

Chantelle Plaztique (a model from Lincoln) claims that she has ‘the ups on nature’ by revealing her latest breast surgery. “Why ain’t it you able to enhance yourself wit boob sacks”, said Chantelle who boasts a massive chest.

Bum lifts, lip bloats, tummy sucks, thigh suction are just some of the things people are getting to look more natural than their natural selves.

Casey Fondleman from the TV programme ‘Cutewords’ admitted to having enhancements to make her look like she’d had enhancements. “I had two from the bottom and four from the top”, she gleefully expressed as she toppled out of a boutique in Bisley.

“We have to hide what we’re really like, else men wouldn’t fancy us, don’t it”, said a woman who recently appeared on the reality TV show ‘Thick Town’. “So what if we ain’t what we should be. At least we ain’t robots, at least, ain’t, ain’t, ain’t ...” 

Futility’s book realises that for a long time nature has been blamed for making women, in particular, feel the need to cover the hideousness of reality. It’s available from all good book stores and some bad ones.

Spluttr has exploded like you wouldn’t believe:

“People should accept me for who I’m not”, said Peepy Quervis, a resident of Brighton.

“I have changed my appearance completely and, now, friends don’t know who I am! They’ve reported me ‘missing’”, said William Hunt of No Fixed Abode.

Robert Futility was unavailable for ‘no fee’.