October 2018 - News

Ghost Hunter Woman Fires Back!

The owner of the local ghost hunting group, Haunted Jaunts, has spoken out after people refused to take her seriously on a recent radio appearance. Michelle Jones, who sometimes goes under the name Narc Narkel and has weird hair, was interviewed by Radio Illwell about her own ghost sightings after complaints that ghost hunts and vigils organised by her company were ‘laughable nonsense’ and ‘over-priced farcical rip-offs’.  

She insisted that she’d had many experiences with spirits in her years as director of Haunted Jaunts. She said, “I’ve heard people running up non-existent staircases, only to find there once actually was a staircase there. I’ve seen a table move on its own and, one night, my feet got heavy”.

She currently works for a local park to supplement her company.

Fairweather for Surrey!
Cropston Fairweather will be playing a 30 minute set at The Godstonebury Festival On Saturday September 1st, where he hopes to debut a couple of old songs and maybe sneak in a few new ones. It will be his first major gig outside Illwell Town since the accident. He will also be appearing at Wigton's premier venue The Tap and Barrell on August 27th (Bank Holiday Monday) which is significantly nearer to Illwell being inside The Midlands near to Leicester.

Radio Illwell listeners complain in their dozen!
Many RI listeners felt the need to vent their frustrations after a recent interview with Illwell Town Medium/Psychic was aired. Eric Deplorer was asked to demonstrate his powers at contacting the spirit world 'live' on air but appeared to have more trouble understanding the whereabouts of people he was talking to in this world. The Steve Knowles (previously Stevie Knowles) programme also got the attention of a local activist who campaigns against fake psychics. Her name is Claire Avoidance, who said, "He totally showed himself up for the floundering idiot he is". Below is an extract from the interview:

Steve Knowles:
 Welcome back. In the studio we have the very distinguish Medium, Eric Deplorer who is still talking to Cathy...
Eric:
 ...I’m getting, yes, thank you, blue wallpaper. Definitely blue. Do you have any experience in the past with blue wall paper, maybe in your house, in some room at some stage...?

Cathy:
(voice appears to be coming down a phone line)
Well, now you come to mention it, my Mother had blue wallpaper in her bathroom at one time...

Eric:
And has your Mother passed over?
Cathy:
No, she lives in Wisbech.
Eric:
Mmmm, shame. Yes, thank you... I’m getting a bathroom now... And I think, yes, thank you, I’m, if you please, getting a picture of you, at the sink, in the blue bathroom, as a small girl...
Cathy:
Boy!
Eric:
Sorry...?
Cathy:
Boy! I was a boy back then... but you knew that, yes?
Eric:
Oh! I’m not getting that. Leave this with me because it’s a bit faint, the signal, at the moment. It doesn’t work too well over the phone sometimes, thank you....
Cathy
I’m in the studio. Sitting... over here!
Eric:
Oh, it sounds like you are on the phone.
Cathy:
This is how I talk.
Steve Knowles:
...Maybe we should try someone else. Let's go to the phones. On Line One we have Jerry?
Jerry:
(voice very clear like in the studio)
Hi! 
Steve Knowles:
This is Jerry from Illwell Town?
Jerry:
Yes, is it.
Eric:
Well, Jerry, I can certainly hear you very clearly. Are you sure you're not here in the studio?
Jerry:
No, this is how I talk!

Crisps no longer welcome in the town!

The Bisley firm Ramblers who make the popular crisp snack are facing a backlash from retailers and customers alike over their packaging. This comes after a 24 year old crisp packet was found in a fish caught on Bisley Lake. The packet, with a sell by date of May 1994, was in mint condition and later sold on the internet for £1.20.

 “It’s disgraceful!” said the fisherman. “How can a crisp packet not biodegrade in that amount of time even when it’s in the digestive system of a fish? I think they seriously need to look at their packaging. It’s also the 'knock on' effect. The fish tasted of smoky bacon”.

A spokesperson for Ramblers said, “We are looking to change our packaging and think that by 2024 we will have a totally recyclable operation. People have to understand that these things take time and money”. When asked why a company with plenty of money and resources hadn’t made changes already, he said, “Because we didn’t have to”.

This didn’t wash with a public who are often asked to change habits immediately for the sake of the environment. Christmas Street

shoppers’ views were far from mixed in their condemnation of Ramblers. “They should be made to change the packets now!” said one angry passer-by. Another remarked, “That’s the last time I’m ever going to buy Ramblers crisps”, pointing to a trolley full of the tasty snacks.

A man has been fined for fishing illegally and eating said fish.

Picture: In American it's called The Potato Chip, wrongly.
In the U.K. it goes by it's real name, the 'Crisp'.