September 2018 - News

D.I.Y. Arrest!
An employee of Parker's D.I.Y. shop, Barry Finch, has been arrested under 'harassment laws' and held for questioning at Illwell Police Station. We understand that it is in connection with his sales techniques and it appears that Finch had been harassing customers by insinuation, suggesting that they were buying items for 'dubious purposes'. One customer, who wished to remain anonymous commented, "He made me feel like I was a serial killer and I only went in for a claw hammer and some grease. He kept  winking at me!". Another customer said that Finch had bullied him into buying an under-the-counter house cleanser called 'Blood Wash'. Parker's D.I.Y. have declined to comment but it is understood that they have accelerated their staff training programme to ensure there is no confusion in the future. Mr. Finch's future at the company is in some doubt.


News from across the lake

Bisley Private Hospital is to offer free operations as a part of it's reward scheme. The offer, open only to new patients who take up their health insurance plans, will start soon and is expected to extend to the offer of a free minor operation of your choice (excluding vanity cosmetic surgery and subject to availability).


Controversial Therapy
Two residents of Illwell have caused 'a bit of a palaver' with their new business venture. Some people are 'up in arms' and others are calling for an intervention by The Council. Robert Lockhead and Simon Herbert are real life civil partners and, with the backing of the Illwell Small Businesses Starter Project Fund have finally opened their new clinic 'Nothing is Everything' in the hope of attracting many confused and irrational, lost souls to seek help at a low and competitive cost. The therapy that has caused the most controversy is their 'Christianity Cure'. They do state that's it's not just Christianity that they believe they can cure but many other forms of indoctrination.  (Note: Reports elsewhere that this therapy is a 'new thing' are completely wrong. Radio Illwell reported this some years ago).

University Heaven!

All around the country students are being given places at Universities ‘unconditionally’.

Regardless of their ‘A’ level results offers are guaranteed, which is great news for bad students.

Bisley University (which is only small and quite commercial) is said to be offering places to students with no qualifications at all. Not even ‘O’ Levels. In a statement, they said: “Hey, if you left school at 16 with nothing, and you can’t find anything to do by the time you’re 18, come to Bisley University! All you need is the fee!”

This is new territory for young people as their exam results come in. Many celebrating their success without excluding the students who’ve failed. It seems, everybody wins and everybody gets the hugs and the kisses.

“This is equality working at its best”, said a person. “It’s like coming last in the 100 metres and still getting a gold medal. It’s progress”.

A spokesperson for Fairness Against Intelligence said, "It's great that education has finally become 'non-competitive' and fallen in line with primary school sports day thinking."

Illwell Town doesn’t have a University at the moment.