The Best of What's On In Illwell - January 2019

Cinema: Carcass Park 18a IATC
Animated feature about a serial killing animal who disposes of the victims in a children's playground much to the disgust of the local animated human population.

Cinema: You're Not Singing Anymore 18 IATC
A mystery virus affects a group of football fans rendering them voiceless and unable to vocalise their support at their local club. What will happen? (Contains bloody violence and swearing)

Cinema: Wet Summer 12a IATC
A love story set in England during a normal summer.

Music: Skeleton Door  Sat 11th (8pm) £15  ITH

Music: Cubicle Invasion Sat 18th (7:30pm) £8 WH

Crafts: The Knitting Crew Mon 13th (6pm) 75p CSS

Key: IATC = Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque.   ITH = Illwell Town Hall.   CSS = The Christmas Street Cafe
WH = The Wellgood Head

What's On In Illwell - December 2019

Content not available.

What's WAS On In Illwell - November 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

The Dance Says What My Words Will Never - 'Live'
A 'live' screening of a 'live' on stage ballet.  (Every Monday only)

Six Severs (18)
A serial killing romp!

Cupid's Shotgun (15)
A romantic comedy with some jokes.

Culpable Innocent (PG)
A crime thriller about a cop with personal problems who loses his badge but continues to work on the case despite his depression and alcoholism. 

Illwell Town Hall:

Fri 8th - £12 - 8pm
The Scoop Tools

Sat 9th - £8/£10 - 8pm
Picked Out and Used (Boy Band)

Fri 15th - £10 - 8pm
Celophane Pigeons

The Christmas Street Cafe:

Wed 6th - 7:30pm - £3
How A Piston Works (Talk)

Mon 11th - 7:30pm - FREE
The Covers Are Off with Cropston Fairweather and Rosie Palmer. Songs from their songbooks.

The Wellgood Head:

Sun 10th - 8pm - Free
Mr. & Mrs Goodhammer (Husband and Wife double act)

What's On In Illwell - October 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

The Missing Spoon (15)
Can their relationship survive domestic tensions? A love story of a modern type with an old fashioned twist.

Celebratory Failure - Documentary (PG)
The people bucking the trend of successful by continual 'charcater building' failure. Is it a vicious circle?

Bury Boys (15)
A bunch of over-acting, sterotypical, characters repeat tired and worn out gags in this badly written waste of time.

The Christmas Street Cafe:

Illwell Town Hall:

Sat 5 Oct - 7:30pm - £10-£20
The Four LapTops (Tribute band) plus Support.

The Wellgood Head:

Fri 4 Oct - 8pm - £9
The Done Grease (Hillbilly) 
Sat 5 Oct - 8pm - £15
The Sceptic Tanks

What WAS On In Illwell - September 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

The Mist Over The House (15)
A mystery mist descends on the Lobaman family house shortly after they move in. Soon, all is not what is seemingly was before it wasn't.
Over Garden Moon (PG)
A young woman falls for a mysterious wood-cutter who seems to appear whenever she's in trouble. Soon, she starts to create trouble in order to attract the weird man. But who is he? And what is in his past?
A Weekend At Johnies 4 (15)
The gang of four are back for another hilarious escapade of over-the-top crudity. thought you'd heard and seen all the smut you could have? You have. There's nothing new in this tosh but it will appeal to 12-15 years olds.
Died In The Wool (18)
The knitwear killer is back to terrorise the sleepy town of Ratford Heights.

Illwell Town Hall:

Fri 6th - 8pm - £10-£15
The Albert Kirkwood Band (Jazz)
Sat 7th - 8pm - £9
Mindstepper and The Blazes (New Punk Folk)
Fri 13th - 8pm - £12
The Liquid Lazy (Feat: Cropston Fairweather)
Sat 14th - 7:30pm - £15
Rocket and The Salads (Support: Infinite Infant)
Sat 21st - 8pm - £10
Apply Line (Rock)
Sat 28th - 8pm - £25
The Unknown Orchestra (Classical)

The Christmas Street Cafe:

Fri 6th - 7:30pm - £7
Now, Leg Warmers (Band)
Mon 9th - 7pm - FREE
Crochet the Hard Way (Workshop)
Sat 14th - 8pm - £10
Simple Mary and Her Sweets (Folk)
Sat 21st - 8pm - £8
Cast A Shadow (Duet)

The Wellgood Head:

Sat 7th - 7:30pm - £10
Happy and The Slaps
Wed 11th - 8pm - £7
Cropston's September Breakout (New music from Illwell's finest)
Fri 13th - 8pm - £10
The Curtailers (Rock)
Sat 21st - 8pm - £12
The Bisley Mainstreamers
Fri 27th - 8pm - £10
The Sloppy Minutes

What Was On In Illwell - August 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Plastic (18)
A serial killer is on the loose, targeting Global Warming protesters and inflicting their worst nightmare on them - A plastic death.

Wreckless Whisper (15)
A love story set in the future, present and past. Can Caleb go back in time to erase a whisper that ruined his present, to improve his future?

The Pedant (18)
A crime drama about a maniac who kills people for minor violations.

The Christmas Street Cafe:

Fri 2nd: (8pm - FREE)
Jargon Basement
A debate about debate.

Illwell Town Hall:

Sat 10/Sun 11 (9am - 10pm) £10

The Real Scrabble Championships
The Real Scrabble Championships is for scrabble players who have some grasp of the meanings of the words the place on the board.

The Wellgood Head:

Sat 10th (8pm - £10)
Lee Spencer and The Spatulas
supported by
Rosie and The Jims
A great night of amazing talent. Not to be missed!

What Was On In Illwell - July 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

When Push Came to Shove (15)
This western tells the story of Nigel Push, a ruthless gunslinger, who comes to settle in the quiet, law-abiding, Shove City. Hot on his tail are the gang he betrayed - the infamous Push Brothers.

Deep Heat (18)
Just when you thought you'd seen them all, Deep Heat brings us a new killer who finishes his victims by overdosing them on muscle relaxant.

Too Many Babies (18)
A senior CIA investigator puts her job on the line because of her compulsion to have babies. Some of them are fat.

Bi Polar (12a) (Animation)
After a disasterous 'gender reveal' party, Algenon The Bear is forced to leave home and find a community that will accept him.

The Christmas Street Cafe:

Mon 15th  (7:30pm - FREE)

Listed Fridges (Talk)

Wed 17th (£10 - 8pm)
Slow Dating

Illwell Hall:

Sat 8/Sun 9 
(10am-4pm £3)
Gadget Fair

Fri 14th
(8pm - £15-£20)
The Robert Barking Quartet

Sun 23rd
(10am-4pm - Free)
Stationery Photograhic
Illwell Hall Gallery is given up to an amazing exhibtion of photographs of the subject of stationery.

The Wellgood Head:

Sat 8th
 7:30pm £8
The Replica Duplicates

Sat 15th
8pm £7
Cropston Fairweather and the Men Sluts

What WAS on In Illwell - June 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Sequence Out Of Order (15)
A new thriller from Aubergene Trent.
The Man Who Collected
Carcasses (18)
Bottom Shelf (U)
Characters from kids magazines come to life in this animation. Fart riddled dialogue.
The Plinth (18)

The Christmas Street Cafe:
Mon 3rd - 7pm £2.50
Cushion making
Please bring a stool and at least two needles.

Fri 14th - 7pm-£5
Alice Norton-Andecoat
Alice reads from her new book 'Deodourant Sticks and Hair bobbles'.

Illwell Hall:

Sat 8/Sun 9 10am-4pm (£3)
Gadget Fair

The Wellgood Head:

Sat 8th - 8pm - £7
Bobby and The Bobs

What WAS on In Illwell - May 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:
Pathetic Instinctive (15)
A documentary on the hypocrisy of people who use the excuse of 'instinct' to back up their deplorable behaviour.

Street Panic (18)
A high octane thrill ride of a car chase, abduction, espionage, whodunnit.
Seldom Would I (15)
A film by Tromandez Dizzopantmon. Following in the footsteps of his previous films this is the fourth in the trilogy.
Cantancarous Alley Bitch (15)
Phoebe Bentwhistle doesn't like her neighbours and weird things start happening.

The Christmas Street Cafe:
Tues 7th:
Workshopping Workshop (7pm £3)
A workshop on how to run a workshop.

Fri 17th:
Miriam Claude (8pm £8)
Poems from Miriam plus a special guest or two. (Please note: 'special' not 'famous')

Sunday 26th:
How To Gift Wrap Round Things (7pm - FREE)
A lesson and some tips on how to gift wrap awkward objects. Bring your own paper.

Illwell Hall:

Sat 18th:
Traditionalist Rebel
plus support
(7:30pm - £14-£18)
TR tour their new album 'Idiot Genius'. 

Fri 24th/Sat 25th
The Satsuma Orchestra
(7:30pm - £15-£25)

The Wellgood Head

What WAS on In Illwell - April 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:
The Introvert Trumpet (U) Cartoon capers, voiced by cult Jazz artists

Delusional Scrawl on A Beautiful Wall (15) 
A documentary about how a lot of graffiti and how it often masks the real art underneath.

There's Blood Coming Through The Ceiling (12a)
A documentary on unaccountable and celebrity focused politicians.

April Ghouls Day (18) 
A horror film. Will a group of stupid teenagers escape the house of horrors (that they were inexplicably drawn to) before midday?

Illwell Hall:
Sat 13th (8pm - £15-£20)
Beef and The Whale (Rock)

Sun 14th (8pm - £12-£15)
Camptown Amp (Folk)

Sat 27th (7:30pm - £15-£25)
The Dregs of Finality (Rock)

What WAS on In Illwell - March 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Illwell Hall:

Illumination Tree (12a) A dark fantasy.

Rice is the Answer (12) A surprisingly funny comedy set in Restaurant.

Sick Combine Harvester Driver (18a) Shady goings on in a cornfield close to where 4 friends set up camp.

It Must Be Heaven Because It Can't Be Hell (12) A documentary about a controversial summer camp for teens, run by The Burden of Holy Christ Foundation.

Battery Powered Pill Box (Fri 8th - £10-£18) The folk/rock band return, touring their latest show.

The Power (Sat 16th - £30-£40) Felicity Anne Kate Ennison returns with her psychic powers, contacting the 'other side' with the help of her dog Fleece.

Book Fair (£3) 21-28 March. All sorts of books

The Christmas Street Cafe:
Thur 7th (7pm - £3) 
Cover the Basics 
(Workshop in Stand-Up Comedy).

Thur 14th - 7pm - FREE  
The Covers Are Off 
(An Open Mic drop in for performers of their own material) hosted by Cropston Fairweather and Rosie Palmer)

Wed 20th (7:30pm - FREE) 
Use The Children (Talk) 
A talk about the negative impacts on children of the growing epidemic of Parental Alienation)

Thu 21st - Sat 30th (12pm - 4pm - FREE) 
The 1000 Years Show. 
5x20 minute shows on the hour. Theme: History/Song/Comedy.

The Wellgood Head:
Every Tuesday @ 8pm - FREE
Open Mic Night 
All welcome.

Sat 23rd (8pm - £10)
The Band Who Stand 

What WAS on In Illwell - February 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Illwell Hall:

East of East (U) 
A documentary about Speed Boats from the new and exciting director Carpenter Maim.

Tension Cafe (18) 
Four diners happen upon a cafe in the bleak wilderness and get more than they expected.

Sunday Feb 24 - £20
Proportionate Greed: 
This band return to Illwell for the second time since there first tour. They have now released that second difficult album To Wide Acclaim. The title track, Two Wide Acclaim has been brought out as a single.

The Christmas Street Cafe:

The Wellgood Head:

What WAS on In Illwell - January 2019

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Twisted Sickle (18) - A new horror from the master of the genre, Hefting Greene. A group of youngsters go to a secluded hut where they realise a similar group of youngsters were murdered. What will happen?

Shockspeare (18) - A 2018 nominee at The con Film Festival, this delicious soup of gore follows a group of amateur dramatists attempting to perform Shakespeare in a secluded and abandoned theatre.

The Christmas Street Cafe
Scrabble Night: First Tuesday of every week. (7pm)
All welcome, Bring board.

Illwell Hall:

Fri 18
The Nevada Desert All Stars (£25 - £30) 
This blues and country big band brings it's own brand of swing and 'film noir' sounds to the stage. Performers include former Astronauts.

The Wellgood Head:
Tues 15
Quiz Night
Sat 26/Sun 27
Cropston Fairweather and The Wigged People (£8)

What WAS on In Illwell - December 2018

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

The Supermarket On The Corner (PG) - A film that follows the romance of two people on the opposite sides of corporate takeover. Can a ruthless entrepreneur win the heart of a nice person as he crushes her family business?
Shelf (PG) - A shelf that doesn't seem to fit get's taken to New York to find it's real self (Animation)
When Push Comes To Murder (15) - A courtroom drama about an man accused of murder who insists he's just helping people commit suicide.
Santa's Gone Crazy (PG) - A hilarious American film about a dis-functional Santa causing mayhem amongst a couple of child actors.

The Christmas Street Cafe:

Sun 23rd Dec
Cropston Fairweather's Christmas Special (£10) Cropston and his backing band The Wigged People will be performing a special Christmas based set undoubtedly including his seasonal songs such as 'Not Driving Home For Christmas' and 'Too Many Decorations'.

Illwell Hall:

Fri 14 - Sun 16, Dec 
The Christmas Craft Fair (£3) 


Dec 10 - Dec 23
The Christmas Street Christmas Market

What WAS on In Illwell - November 2018

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Sandwiches Under The Tree. (15) - A coming of age drama about a young person struggling with sexuality, family and diet.
The House of Flying Pans (PG) - Hilarious comedy from the Burgen Brothers.
The Bungalow Stairs (18a) - A dark tale of hidden danger and frightening peril.

Illwell Hall:

Thursday 29th: 

Psychic Samantha Ganmore - The Humility Tour.The well known fake psychic returns to fleece the gullible. (£25-£40)

The Wellgood Head:

Saturday/Sunday 10/11
Prune Juice  - This popular band are back for a run of two dates. (£12.00)
Sunday 25
Cropston Fairweather and The Wigged People (£10)

What WAS on In Illwell - October 2018

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:


The One That Came and Went Away (15) - This gritty new Western from Ludiano Ganesh. An unwelcome stranger comes to town.

Escalator to Hell (18) - This is not a documentary about Debenhams, but a truly distasteful horror. Not for the squeamish.

7 Angels (12a) - Sequel to 6 Angels.

Stickleback (PG) - The story of childhood friendship and bullying. A boy nicknamed Stickleback arrives in a small town and suffers at the hands of neighbourhood bullies, but has a friend in Dodger.


Clot -  A man pieces together his childhood as he remembers suppressed events.

Illwell Hall:

Friday 26 October
Montage of The Heart - The quirky, alternative band tour their new album Numb Future - Tickets £12-£20

The Wellgood Head:
Saturday 20 October
Cropston Fairweather and The Wigged People
Wednesday 24 October
The Lords of Slaver -  Folk Duo

What WAS on In Illwell - September 2018

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

Film: Ludicrous Country

Based on a novel of the same name but originally titled "Loose Canon Fodder", this film examines the surface thoughts of the dis-enchanted and probes scantily into the heads of some seemingly disturbed outsiders. (Certificate 15)

Film: Molly's Trumpet
Molly is on her way to The Trumpet Nationals when her instrument is stolen. With a family not able to finance a new one she has to make do with a battered old horn given to her by a random sympathetic old bluesman they meet. Will Molly get to the Nationals in time and will the old Trumpet get her through. (Certificate 18, for extreme and prolonged violence and nudie bits). 

Play: Clever!
“Clever doesn't try to do anything more than what its title suggests and is your basic formulaic offering of aloof meanderings designed to make you think.” - The Illwell Exhauster 

Film: Four Loud Bangs.
An atmospheric art movie filmed in black and white.

Illwell Hall:

Friday 28 September
Spluttergust (£15-£20)
Saturday 15 September
The Globules - SOLD OUT!

The Wellgood Head:
Thursday 27 September
The Daniel Sugar Three - Jazz
Wednesday 9 September
The Goosenecks

Illwell Outdoor Summer Stage At The Lake:

Saturday 1st September 
Cropston Fairweather and The Wigged People
Fairweather .  This time he takes to the stage with backing band The Wigged People. Other acts will be performing also.

What WAS on In Illwell - August 2018

Illwell Arts Theatre & Cinemateque:

The Sensitive Fireman (aka The Doormat) Cert 15 - 97mins. A woman's search for traditional love. The film follows her through the trials of unsuited matches as she looks for the man to fit her world view of settling down. A big strong man who'll do the D.I.Y. and idolise her, surely, can't be too hard to find.

Film:  She Got Married To A ‘She’ Who Was A ‘He’ Who Then Found Out She Was A ‘He’ Too (Rom-Com) cert 15 - 89 mins. Macia Pipes and Glen Tibbets star in this zany comedy of two people hilariously in love but out of sync with their own identities. Expect plenty of laughs in this cross-dressing, gender fluid, wild and zany romp.

“America has been laughing at this movie which means the British will too” – The Daily Character.

Film: Hapless Characters (Animation) Cert U - 93 mins.  The world has gone bonkers a bunch of discordant animals with human characteristics find themselves pivotal in the race to save the planet. (Parental guidance: three fart jokes in the first five minutes of the film and  occasional references to reality TV).

Film: Caution Horses (Documentary - PG - 186 mins)  This close up, no frills, low interest documentary follows three very different horse boxes on the various journeys they make in the jumping season.

Film: Quite For Ages Then Bang 6  (Horror - 18 - 89mins)  The sixth in the series of terrifying features where a group of college students are victims of a series of happenings.

Theatre: Talking Mouth. The series continues with another well known actor relaying a poignant story in this on

e person show.  "Valid entertainment" - The Illwell Extractor. 

Illwell Town Hall:

August 31:
Audrey and The Notes
After having to cancel their last appearance in Illwell, the rearranged date has finally been announced. Tickets for the previous date are valid.

The Wellgood Head:
August 27: 

Patty and Jim

Duo make their return to Illwell. (Review on 'News' page)